"So, as your title says, the only way we will heal ourselves is to detach and let go of our unrecognizable spouse? I guess that is the hardest part for us that said we would never leave our spouse/family. We, the LBS, are the ones that took our vows totally serious and would do anything in our power to keep our families together."
Correct, that is what I am saying. And yes, it is the hardest part. I know first hand and I struggled with this for a long time. The thing is, no one else will heal us, so we have to heal ourselves. This also leads us to being a stronger person and making better decisions about the marriage moving forward.
"So the letting go of them is totally 180* of what is right and just to us and our values. I guess we need to suck it up and just do what works...right?"
It is a 180. That is why DB is not intuitive. Holding on tight to someone that wants to be let go of, will only make them fight harder. It doesn't work, it does the opposite. If you want your M to work and your S is trying to leave, then you must give them the freedom to go. Let them go. Become that person that only a fool would leave. You will be stronger and happier. The hope is that you will eventually attract them back. So letting go and detaching serves more than one purpose. But you can't fake it to win them back, you have to let go.
"After a relatively good holiday weekend with her around, I can see how good things could be, but I have no real idea of how she views things. I guess letting go would mean that I wouldn't have an idea unless she decides to tell me in the future."
The thing is, if she decides to come back and work on the M, you will know. If a person is committed to you and the M, they will let it be known. They will come to you. They will show you the signs and you will feel it. When my H started coming back around, he did not even need to announce it. I could tell, and I could feel the difference.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
