She already knows that you love her and you want her back home. So, I am going to suggest that you not say a word to her about this.
The MLCer, while in crisis, is only worried about money and having fun. They worry about money because they need it in order to have their fun, whatever that may be. She doesn't want to run short so that's why that's the only thing on her mind right now.
Write down that you love her and then tear up the note.
Again, I know that she knows how I feel...I just feel odd that I haven't talked to her about our R in a long time. It is totally 180 from what I would usually do, so I know how I should lean, but it is hard.
As for what she is doing, from what I can tell nothing has changed in her life other than where she is living and me. I am just going by what my kids have said...I have honestly tried to stay tuned out of what she is doing.
I do miss her and would welcome her back if she'd do the work she needs to do. I will continue to work for myself. I saw something this morning that struck a chord. It said, True love isn't always romantic...It's a choice to love each other for better or worse, richer or poorer, and in sickness or health.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
You may think nothing has changed in her life, but the internal work is being done slowly but surely. They don't have bumps, bruises or broken bones that we can see, but those emotional hurts have to heal from the inside and they are very, very slow to heal.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I read from someone that for some, they have to completely go thru with the D before anything changes. I have also resigned myself to the fact that this is her D and she should do most of the heavy lifting. My greatest fear is that I have always told myself that I would "never" get a D because of the way my parents D affected me and my brothers...she is forcing this upon me, but also upon my kids. I simply don't want my kids to be damaged by this.
We have no control over what she is feeling or doing. As she has said in some of her spew...I cannot fix her. But as I have always said...I can love her thru all of this even if she doesn't want my love at the moment.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
What you read is true...some have to go through the divorce and when this happens, the LBS is no longer a threat to them, so many of them then can focus on themselves and the healing process.
As you have pointed out, w do not have control over what they feel, say or do. They are the only ones that can fix themselves. All we can do is protect our children as best as we can and continue living our lives (as if they may not return).
Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bud, totally agree with the money and fun thing - jees, the way she spends it (not bad for a woman who declared herself homeless and is mainly living on benefits) it's as if it's on free flow from the taps.
I se from your BD drop you're quite early in the process. Yep, we've all done the letter/R talks thing, it doesn't work.
Know how you're feeling. Buckle up, long, long way to go!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Thanks for the Christmas wish ... and all things considered its not the Christmas any of us want but like all things we keep moving forward the best we can.
Looks like you are going through your emotions and actually coming to grips with them a bit. One of the things that was brought up to me early on was the difference between Cali, and the hurt little boy I had inside. That little boy wanted his wife back and would stop at nothing to get that cookie, cry, scream, pout, Yell "I love you" all in hopes to manipulate just for that cookie. I had to cage that kid ... hardcore..... but the more I grew the more I realized just how unattractive that little boy was and how brutally ineffective he was at getting his way. He was replaced with Clint .... and the journey to Cali 2.0 began. This is the only journey you have control of and the New Year is just as good a time as any for you to turn your focus inward and change the things you actually can change and allow her to go about her journey.
You are really doing well ... you are sharing your inner feelings here ... as a man that's tough to do because we were programmed early on to not do such things. Many here can read what you write and help nudge you along as we have all stumbled on those same rocks, been smacked with the same 2x4's, and in my case I was force fed those same strawberry STFU smoothies and worn out 4-5 spew jackets.
Hi SBJ, I wanted to move our convo over to your thread :-)
Originally Posted By: BluWave
SBJ, I am glad that you recognize it't time to work on you! It is the hardest thing to do, but ultimately will serve you the most in the long run.
In terms of if she is having a MLC, or not, well I don't think that should change what you do. Honestly, I think sometimes the LBS finds comfort in categorizing the S as having a MLC, because it hangs on to some hope that it is not a permanent change--they may come back around or they may snap out of it--when really, we don't know what/why. We may never.
So, with the little that I know about you, I do think you are allowing her to cake eat and so she doesn't feel the loss of you. If she has moved out and is filing for D, then why are you spending the holidays with her and having family time?
I am not being condescending, but I am truly wondering. If she finalized the D and has an OM, then would you still want this family time? Or are you only having family time in hopes that she will come back around? I think you should really think about this!
OK. I am going to copy/paste this in your thread so we can continue convo there.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I have been able to keep my desires at bay for the last 2 months she has been out of the house. No R talk initiated by me. Only one hug that was initiated by her with kisses on the cheek (Christmas Eve). Only one semi-intimate hand grab initiated by us both as I was leaving her condo (Christmas Day night).
My goals are for SBJ 2.0 beginning now. Spiritual, Physical, and Emotional awakening starts today...why wait for new years.
I totally appreciate the fact that everyone here cares so much about the well-being of one another. It is truly comforting to know that we are all going thru the same chit, but are at different stops on the journey. It helps to know that you are not alone in all of this. Our friends and family see that we are battling something, but they have no real clue as to the depth of the pain and confusion that we are dealing with.
God bless you into and thru 2017!!!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Thank you Blu...Hope the last week of the year is kind to you.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
So, with the little that I know about you, I do think you are allowing her to cake eat and so she doesn't feel the loss of you. If she has moved out and is filing for D, then why are you spending the holidays with her and having family time?
I am not being condescending, but I am truly wondering. If she finalized the D and has an OM, then would you still want this family time? Or are you only having family time in hopes that she will come back around? I think you should really think about this!
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I guess nobody knows for sure, but our MC mentioned that she felt that MLC was the case. Not to mention that I feel like alot of the signs are there, but again I say nobody knows for sure.
I agree that I probably am allowing her to cake eat a bit, but I am working on that. My son said that she had asked him if she should ask to stay the night on Christmas Eve...he told her that it probably not a good idea...he is tougher that I am.
And NO to your question on what would I do after the D is finalized. She feels that we will be friends even though I have told her that that will not happen afterwards. We have always had a great friendship and it truly hurts that I have lost both the spousal relationship as well as the friendship, but that is something that I am working on.
I guess you are right in that I do have hopes that she will realize what is missing and come back around, but I am trying to figure out. Somehow I have to get my head around making me better and not worrying about her at all. Again, I pray for her daily, but I have to leave her in God's hands right now.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
