Maybe a lot of WAS's leave because they realize how much hurt and damage they've caused and leaving would fix everything. I don't want to leave my H, but I'm beginning to think its just another selfish motive on my part. It doesn't matter what I want anymore.
This was my W. I had her leave when I first found out about her affair. During those two weeks, we went back and forth spewing all kinds of venom. She moved back in reluctantly, but then wanted to move right back out - running away.
She didn't like the pain. It was unlike anything she's been through. She equated it to her mother dying - so running away and immediately divorcing me would've been less painful. Once she got into therapy, her therapist MADE her sit and feel it, be with it, and not to be afraid of it.
We've made strides in these last 10 months. We're still a work in progress.
I can see how your husband feels. I remember those early days when I would snap at my W. Our first month in reconciling, someone paid for a mountain house retreat for just the two of us. It was "supposed" to be a time to try to connect, but one day I snapped at her and said, "You ever do this again, I will DIVORCE YOU.."....here we were, trying to work on our marriage and I'm just constantly smashing her. Not one of my stellar moments.
If you want this to work, you will needs lots of time, lots of therapy and lots of patience while your H works through his emotions.
You remind me a LOT of my W. She could care less about trinkets. Her OP seduced her with so much charm and flattery, she fell for it. (Although this is NOT an excuse). I rarely complimented on her looks, and when I did, it was more of a back-handed compliment ("your ass doesn't look as big as it did before"), or if I did say something, it wasn't flattery as much as bar-room talk. ("Nice cleavage, honey, trying to pick up men").
Through my OWN therapy, I'm changing. I no longer talk like that. I compliment my wife (and our two daughters) regularly and try not to sound phony about it. My wife is looking at her own life and realizing how awful she let men treat her and now stands up for herself. (She works in a gym and has had to deal with lots of men who can be pretty vulgar).
10 months later and I still have doubts, mostly because she still works with OM. She's assured me (but I don't believe it at all) that they have no contact - I've told MC that I think I need to bring up her affair to HR at work. My W is currently looking for another job, but my patience with them working together is getting worse. I'm ready to out them to his W. I need to work on this.
And your H is a lot like me, in that I'm not in great shape at all and here my W is, working at a gym around all kinds of body builders. My confidence took a huge hit as well, but W insists her attraction to OM was strictly emotional - and I can believe this, being that I saw pictures of him. Short, bald with crooked teeth. Even her closest friend said to her, "what the HELL is wrong with you when you have this sexy dude at home?"
I go to the gym now, but not to keep her. I've found that running and doing light weights a few hours a day keeps my mental demons at bay. I've lost weights, look better, and that helps my confidence. Plus my W saying some nice things helps.
Good luck with this, I hope what I say helps....
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Okay, so there were sex issues with him. But how did the two of you interact before all of this stuff started? Way back before OM, what was your MR like? Did you speak and treat him with respect, or were you a b'tch? Did you show him admiration, and did he cherish you?
The way he is treating you since discovering OM, is it the same way he has acted in the past?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, so there were sex issues with him. But how did the two of you interact before all of this stuff started? Way back before OM, what was your MR like? Did you speak and treat him with respect, or were you a b'tch? Did you show him admiration, and did he cherish you?
The way he is treating you since discovering OM, is it the same way he has acted in the past?
H has always had a "mean streak" when he gets mad...nothing physical, but verbally, yes, although its never been as bad as he is right now with this situation. Its always been an issue with us when he gets mad, he gets cruel. In the past, when I point it out to him, he would get quiet like he knows he's taking it too far, but in this situation when I tell him he can be angry, mad, hurt...whatever he wants, but to keep it "civil", he says he has free reign to say and treat me however he wants. So to answer your question, yes, he's always kind of been this way, but never so openly and freely.
As far as our relationship, like I mentioned before, we were best friends. Respect? thats a hard one. I didn't openly disrespect him (prior to OM) but I've always inwardly not respected him for certain things, such as the way he handles conflicts. I hate talking "bad" about him right now, because one of the things I am working on is not speaking ill of him. H always ALWAYS spoke highly of me to everyone prior to this. I had been focusing on the negative and beginning to realize that all of the things I talk to others about H have been negative...not so forward like saying I hate him and what not, but just complaining about him, then realizing I haven't said anything nice and ending the conversation with, but that's my H and I love him. He can never admit he's wrong and say he's sorry. He treats my family horribly because they are "messed up", and he's better than them. So honestly, no, I haven't respected him, but I don't know if that issue lies with him or me...or both.
Talk about rollercoaster!!!!! Geez. I don't know if its better to have those high moments of hope along with the bad, or just to stay in the low times, but the pendulum effect is strong! One minute, mostly at night time after he's ignored me all day, he gets nice and starts to say he loves me so much and wants this to work and how he wants to go to the gym to look good for me, to the next day of "you're a harlot, slut, whore..." and every other word you can imagine. Christmas was rough....like really rough. A couple of nights before that, he said he was going to go meet up with our friend, who happens to be a girl and only one of two people he's told our situation to. He didn't want me to go because it was the first time he'd seen her face to face since this, and of course I knew they would talk about it. It was just down the road and I assumed he'd be gone about an hour and a half...no more than 2. Well, he was gone for 4 and while I wanted him to have a good time, it bothered me that he didn't even text and say he was still there and it would be a while. I mentioned it to him the next day that if we are going to try to make this work, we have to keep the lines of communication open and a simple text would have been nice. Fast forward to Christmas. I spent all of Christmas Eve and Christmas day cooking and cleaning because his family was coming over for Christmas dinner. He literally sat on the couch doing nothing and started his little quips on Christmas Day...saying mean things to me. At one point I asked him if it would be better if I just finished making dinner and left so he and his family could have a good Christmas. He said he wished it were that easy...again, just being mean, but I knew it was going to be really really hard to keep a smile for his family when he was making it difficult. His family showed up and he got worse. Of course, it was behind the scenes and subtle because they don't know about this. We all sat down to eat and he tried to sit away from me, but we were all couples so he was "forced" to sit next to me and openly said "unfortunately." Everyone was thanking me for all the hard work and food and he changed the subject and told everyone who knows this other girl he went out with two nights ago that she text him and told him "Happy Festivus." They started talking about her some and he says "yeah, I actually just went out with her a few nights ago." My heart broke into a million pieces and luckily I had finished eating so I got up and went to the backroom and couldn't keep back the tears. He came back a few minutes later and got mad at me for going in the backroom. I told him he was making it impossible for me to keep a smile on in front of his family. He told me yep he was doing it on purpose because I'm a loser and a waste of space. Christmas sucked big time!!!! Then, like nothing happened later that night, he goes right back to loving me and telling me that he wants this to work. I just can't deal with the ups and downs like this. I get rollercoaster...but seriously this is insane.
he changed the subject and told everyone who knows this other girl he went out with two nights ago that she text him and told him "Happy Festivus." They started talking about her some and he says "yeah, I actually just went out with her a few nights ago." My heart broke into a million pieces and luckily I had finished eating so I got up and went to the backroom and couldn't keep back the tears.
So it seems to me that he is using the fact that you had an emotional affair to have his own emotional affair.
he changed the subject and told everyone who knows this other girl he went out with two nights ago that she text him and told him "Happy Festivus." They started talking about her some and he says "yeah, I actually just went out with her a few nights ago." My heart broke into a million pieces and luckily I had finished eating so I got up and went to the backroom and couldn't keep back the tears.
So it seems to me that he is using the fact that you had an emotional affair to have his own emotional affair.
Am I not hearing this correctly?
Why is it OK for him and not OK for you?
I keep saying there is more going on here.
Because in his book, it wasn't just an emotional affair. It was if he didn't "catch me", then I would have had a physical affair with OM. That's why I asked earlier, if it was "fair" for him to treat the situation as if I actually slept with or even touched OM, when it didn't go there.
On the other hand, this girl has been our friend for a long time...his way before I came on the scene. She's the "only one" he can talk to about this and even though I'm not comfortable with it being her, I don't think she's feeding him any bad advice. From what he tells me, she will continue to be "our" friend, whatever he decides. So I don't think to him its an emotional affair. He wouldn't talk to her the same way I talked to OM. OM and I were feeding each other compliments on our looks. He would never have that kind of conversation with this girl.
The only reason he brought her up during dinner is because he knows that it bothers me that he's leaning on her for support and he was trying to get at me. I really don't think he cares for her any more than as a friend.
Because in his book, it wasn't just an emotional affair. It was if he didn't "catch me", then I would have had a physical affair with OM.
And you agree with this? Is it really what you think? Is it still what you think?
No, I don't agree with it, but how I can't convince him of that. I already took the first step in having an inappropriate relationship with OM. I never in a million years thought I'd talk to another guy and play with fire like that, but I did, so who's to say one night of drinking and being in the wrong place/situation, it wouldn't have happened? I know its all "what-ifs", but in his mind, it was headed in that direction and only ended because we got caught.
Now look, I want you to listen carefully to what I am going to say. You did not have an emotional affair. You had inappropriate contact (b/c it was secret) and flirtious conversation. Although it would have probably led you down that road, you were caught before that happened. So, stop calling it an A. You have not wanted to even contact that guy, nor do you miss him. I see none of the usual symptoms of an EA.
You have had an attitude that says you are lower than the worst.
Quote:
I tell him he can be angry, mad, hurt...whatever he wants, but to keep it "civil", he says he has free reign to say and treat me however he wants.
He does not have free reign to say and treat you however he wants!
Since he dated the other woman and even bragged about it to his family in front of you....I say it is time to draw a halt to his mean treatment of you. First, you have got to stop it with this attitude of unworthiness with him! Yes, you scr@wed up, but so has he. Giving him free reign to be nasty and mean is not DBing. Do you hear me? For gosh sakes girl, stop this insanity and start taking care of yourself, b/c it doesn't appear that he will. A lesson in life is that whenever you have no self-respect, nobody else will respect you either. It is time to raise your head and stop allowing him to treat you like a POS during the day, and right before bedtime giving you permission to sleep with him.
Yes, he is very cruel, indeed. You need to stop acting as if you deserve it. He intentionally wanted to hurt you badly when he went out with the OW. Now you tell me if what he did was any less inappropriate behavior than you talking to OM? Revenge tactics often have very bad results.
IMHO, you should stay elsewhere, until he decides to get help for his issues.. You may not be afraid of him, but he seems to need a lot of space right now. Some distance from you might do him good. I recomend you stop initiating calls and texts to give an account of yourself. It seemed to have fueled his anger.
If he really wants to save his M, he can get counseling, see a Priest/Pastor, group therapy, or whatever for him to be able to treat his W right. Then, the two of you might seek family and M therapy. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, just as you have done.
I think your self-esteem was so low that you were very vulnerable for an affair to happen. I am not condoning the inappropriate phone contact, I'm just saying I can understand it. Obviously, he has some type of issues that cause him to be mean to the one closest to him. Those issues were there long before you ever contacted OM.
When he went out with the OW (and don't call her your friend any longer).........that was a game changer. At least, it would be in my book. Neither of you caused the other one to take the action you chose. So, he can shut up about what you did, IMHO. His family should have raked him over the coals when he bragged about going out with OW.
I appreciate your desire to not speak unkindly of your H. However, we don't know either of you, so it is not like blasting him away to your friends or family. You say he has a mean streak, and I say it sounds more like verbal/mental abuse.
No, I cannot see the typical waywardness that we usually see associated with the stories here. I have felt something was off about your H, and your update explains things much better. Please know that you do not have to stay in that environment. It is not his job to punish you. I would say he has done quite enough already. He has no right to treat you badly. So, don't cow down and act as if he does.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The other thing is because of your different love languages I also see issues.
Your H does not want to be touched and has low T. He would rather buy you gifts because that is HIS LL. The fact that it is not yours has not even occurred to him.
You can only recover your marriage by building a new marriage and both of you have to be all in on that endeavor. Right now it seems you are the only one interested in doing that.
I would listen to Sandi's advice event though that sounds counter intuitive. That is what DB is all about.
