Now look, I want you to listen carefully to what I am going to say. You did not have an emotional affair. You had inappropriate contact (b/c it was secret) and flirtious conversation. Although it would have probably led you down that road, you were caught before that happened. So, stop calling it an A. You have not wanted to even contact that guy, nor do you miss him. I see none of the usual symptoms of an EA.
You have had an attitude that says you are lower than the worst.
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I tell him he can be angry, mad, hurt...whatever he wants, but to keep it "civil", he says he has free reign to say and treat me however he wants.
He does not have free reign to say and treat you however he wants!
Since he dated the other woman and even bragged about it to his family in front of you....I say it is time to draw a halt to his mean treatment of you. First, you have got to stop it with this attitude of unworthiness with him! Yes, you scr@wed up, but so has he. Giving him free reign to be nasty and mean is not DBing. Do you hear me? For gosh sakes girl, stop this insanity and start taking care of yourself, b/c it doesn't appear that he will. A lesson in life is that whenever you have no self-respect, nobody else will respect you either. It is time to raise your head and stop allowing him to treat you like a POS during the day, and right before bedtime giving you permission to sleep with him.
Yes, he is very cruel, indeed. You need to stop acting as if you deserve it. He intentionally wanted to hurt you badly when he went out with the OW. Now you tell me if what he did was any less inappropriate behavior than you talking to OM? Revenge tactics often have very bad results.
IMHO, you should stay elsewhere, until he decides to get help for his issues.. You may not be afraid of him, but he seems to need a lot of space right now. Some distance from you might do him good. I recomend you stop initiating calls and texts to give an account of yourself. It seemed to have fueled his anger.
If he really wants to save his M, he can get counseling, see a Priest/Pastor, group therapy, or whatever for him to be able to treat his W right. Then, the two of you might seek family and M therapy. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, just as you have done.
I think your self-esteem was so low that you were very vulnerable for an affair to happen. I am not condoning the inappropriate phone contact, I'm just saying I can understand it. Obviously, he has some type of issues that cause him to be mean to the one closest to him. Those issues were there long before you ever contacted OM.
When he went out with the OW (and don't call her your friend any longer).........that was a game changer. At least, it would be in my book. Neither of you caused the other one to take the action you chose. So, he can shut up about what you did, IMHO. His family should have raked him over the coals when he bragged about going out with OW.
I appreciate your desire to not speak unkindly of your H. However, we don't know either of you, so it is not like blasting him away to your friends or family. You say he has a mean streak, and I say it sounds more like verbal/mental abuse.
No, I cannot see the typical waywardness that we usually see associated with the stories here. I have felt something was off about your H, and your update explains things much better. Please know that you do not have to stay in that environment. It is not his job to punish you. I would say he has done quite enough already. He has no right to treat you badly. So, don't cow down and act as if he does.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
