Waywards do come back. First step: LET GO

[BluWave]

skm, as I thought, we have a LOT in common! There are certain details about my life I do not share for some anonymity (details about work, kids, my location, etc), but I certainly don't go out of my way to hide it.

I am glad that you were able to take some time off and regroup. It is great that your coworkers are understanding and supportive! As you return to work, perhaps you can shift your perspective and view work as a welcomed distraction. I was able to do this and it worked very well for me. I find it still benefits me when things feel crummy.

I recall being in the thick of it and struggling, and we had a pt very unexpectedly recover, and after extubation the first words out of his mouth were, "where is my wife?" I just about lost it! Had to hold back tears, excuse myself to the bathroom, splash on some cold water, and then I was good to go :-)

You will find yourself again. I know you will. There was such a long time that I felt lost and that I had lost myself. I couldn't imagine then that things would ever get better. I kept marching forward, I allowed myself to shelf the bad feelings (even if only for a couple hours) and enjoy life and other Rs, and over time it did get easier. Now I can see that it was all in my head and no one else actually DID this to me--not H, not OW, and not really anyone in my past--and so no one else could fix it either. So if you want things to get better, and if you believe somehow that it will, then keep putting one foot in front of the other, and over time it WILL get better.

Take care of you. Tell yourself that every day. Treat yourself as your most precious patient. Because you are. And because no one else ever will. That's the silver lining here. I will always be okay, no matter who comes and goes from my life, and I get that now.

Blu