Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

I have held back b/c I don't want to interfere with Surfer's help. I have not read the books he has referred. So, don't want to confuse by what I say in this post.

Looking from my viewpoint, you appear to be very accommodating, as your WW continues her A. It was left up to her, as to when you could return to the MBR, is that correct? And you returned, knowing the A continues? What is your plan about having sex, should she initiate?

Up to now it has been both. In your view should it be the WW or the H? Or actually should it be just forget ML while this continues? I struggle with the various concepts, some of which seem to be related to a non Affair / EA situation. I am trying to focus on making myself a better person, being a good dad for my kids,

IMHO, I don't think it is wise for the H to go back & forth to the MBR, or to do so based on the mood of his W. Perhaps I missed the details.

I had been out of the MBR for many, many months before I knew about the EA, as D was getting up in the night, and I found it less disturbing to be close to her than to have her get up and come to our room.

Now where I can see I did screw up more recently was after I had gone back in for a couple of weeks, then allowed myself to be guilted out after an argument - she was originally going to move out to the spare room, but guilted me into moving back out.

My reason here is b/c there should be a message in the action of the H staying in the marital bedroom. Actually, there are more than one message. It is all centered around respect for him as the head of the family, the man of the house, and the faithful one in the MR.

In truth, I think that respect was not there before hand.

If he is already occupying another bedroom, and there is no way he feels he can safely go back to the MBR, then he needs to save as much respect as possible.

I refused to go back to the spare room. My rationale was that while I was looking after D it was OK, but after she wanted to be in MBR with her mother (D changes her mind on a regular basis as to whether it is Mummy or Daddy she wants to be around), there was no reason to stay.

She has a wayward mindset, and the more she is coddled and the more the H accommodates her......the longer the disrespect will continue, and the more wayward behavior he will see.

I guess I have been very coddling. Still am. My stand was that I would take the study as my room. WW didn't want this, so I am back in MBR. I guess you are saying I shouldn't have worried about the MBR by this stage and just stuck to my guns - especially given the fact that I had only been in there a couple of months total since we bought this house last year.

You want to avoid conflict, so you accommodate her. From where I sit, it appears she gives the command and you follow orders. IMHO, that cancels out the message of respect.

That would be about summing it up. Now I think I understand a bit of how it got this way from the reading material Surfer has pointed me to, but that change will be a long slow journey to break habits that have been established many years, and in all honesty I am struggling to bring the various elements of DBing, breaking the drama triangle/verbal abuse cycle and setting firm boundaries and consequences without them conflicting with each other.

Ultimately, what consequences does she face? I leave the house. I still have to pay for everything, so apart from having to do more stuff when I'm not there, she can carry on unaffected. I stay in the house - I have not worked out suitable consequences for protecting my boundaries. If I sound confused and all over the place, that's because I am.

She does understand what you meant. The lack of understanding is not her problem! She knows you are not going to do anymore than act passive-aggressive.

See what I mean?^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. Consequences are not intended for a discussion, and they certainly are not left up to her (if I am understanding you meant.

I do, and thanks for your blunt words, I jut honestly don't have a clue about enforcing boundaries for my own protection and self respect in this situation.