Not sure where I am so no title!

[Sotto]

Hi Coly, I think you have received some good advice and hopefully food for thought.

In your situation, I think it is more important to deal with your own stuff. Why is it I spin when I don't hear from him? Why do I need that contact to soothe me? Why am I not okay alone for now? Why can I not let him be? Why do I need this?

For me, it became important to know that I had 'made it' alone. Many times I found strength in doing nothing. For in doing nothing I was okay alone. If we ultimately didn't make it, I knew I would be okay anyway. I remember thinking - I need to know that I would have been okay alone, or that fear would always be there - even if we reconciled. If that failed, I won't be okay alone, because I didn't make it. From what you post, it doesn't sound as though you feel that confidence in yourself.

He wants space and not to address R things. You pursue him primarily to soothe your own fears. It took me a while to get to a place where I could leave XH be. But what was most important was - I was (and am) okay. And yes he divorced me, but I tried my hardest, and that decision is on him.

So, my main message is - try and worry a little less about the M - and focus more on you. Dig deep and have a look at what fears his abandonment have triggered in you. Have a good think about why you 'need' his attention to manage your fears. I can't recall if you have read Codependent no more - but I found it helpful - she is pretty astute at recognising and setting out those unhealthy behaviours we can adopt...I had many for sure! And (like many of us here) I'm a work in progress...

I do notice benefits in how I rub along with others too. 'Before' I used to fear conflict or negativity and take it all on as being about me. Now I'm much more able to see that maybe someone else is just having a rough day - or dealing with their own stuff...

Best of luck with everything