Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[sandi2]

Well, at the moment, there is little spewing. I have been back in the MBR the last 2 nights without any problem. Let's see how this continues.

I have held back b/c I don't want to interfere with Surfer's help. I have not read the books he has referred. So, don't want to confuse by what I say in this post.

Looking from my viewpoint, you appear to be very accommodating, as your WW continues her A. It was left up to her, as to when you could return to the MBR, is that correct? And you returned, knowing the A continues? What is your plan about having sex, should she initiate?

IMHO, I don't think it is wise for the H to go back & forth to the MBR, or to do so based on the mood of his W. Perhaps I missed the details. To just state my own opinions in general (not necessarily about your situation), I believe the faithful S should have domain of the marital bedroom. If anyone leaves, it should be the betrayer. Based on how respect for the H affects the W's desire, I believe it is most important the H remain in the MBR (considering he is the faithful spouse). If his WW kicks him out of the MRB and he is concerned about things becoming volatile (as we have seen in previous times), I personally would not recommend that he ask his WW to let him know when he can return.

My reason here is b/c there should be a message in the action of the H staying in the marital bedroom. Actually, there are more than one message. It is all centered around respect for him as the head of the family, the man of the house, and the faithful one in the MR. His children connect the MBR with their parent's M. It has a negative impact to see the leader and protecter of the family kicked out of his MBR, b/c it suggests losing security in the home. It can cause doubt and worry about his strength and capabilities as head of the family.

Since some H's have already left the MBR by the time they find the DB board, and if he feels violence could occur if he goes back to the MBR, then I believe the message should be clear to his WW that it is done from his volition, and not b/c he was thrown out. The message to his WW should be that he chooses to not sleep with the woman who is betraying him. If he is already occupying another bedroom, and there is no way he feels he can safely go back to the MBR, then he needs to save as much respect as possible.

I have a big problem with men who reduce their position in the home, and go share a room with the kids or sleep in the basement. It is a visual lesson to the children, and one that may be applied whenever they get M.

So, getting back to when or how he should get back into the MBR. I am reminded of something MWD said, I may not know what to tell you to do.......but I can tell you what not to do. First of all, the H should not ask the betrayer if or when he may return to the MBR. And he especially should not ask more than once! If she has not ended her A, would it not be compromising his stand to begin sharing the bed of his betrayer? Secondly, he should not tell her to let him know when she is ready for him to return to the MBR. The H should not coddle a WW! And this gives her too much power over him. She has a wayward mindset, and the more she is coddled and the more the H accommodates her......the longer the disrespect will continue, and the more wayward behavior he will see.

Now as for today, they have been communicating from within the house. Rather than create a ruckus, when I brought her new phone downstairs at her request, there was a message from OM via Google hangouts on the lock screen.

You want to avoid conflict, so you accommodate her. From where I sit, it appears she gives the command and you follow orders. IMHO, that cancels out the message of respect.

So I took the opportunity to say to W that she had a message from OM and that did she remember me talking about the disrespect for me and the children by communicating from within the house, and did she understand what I meant by saying that it was disrespectful. She said she did and couldn't help if he messaged her.

She does understand what you meant. The lack of understanding is not her problem! She knows you are not going to do anymore than act passive-aggressive.

I left it for now. I just wanted to reinforce the message about lack of respect rather than get into a battle about consequences at this stage.

See what I mean?^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. It is easier for you to find an excuse not to cause a ruckus or get into a battle. Enforcing consequences is not particularly pleasant, but it is needed if you intend to live with her respect. She gave you an immediate example of how she doesn't care if she disrespects you. So just talking to her about it is not effective. Why would you get into a battle about consequences??? Consequences are not intended for a discussion, and they certainly are not left up to her (if I am understanding you meant.