Your h stated that he didn't want to have relationship talks w/you because he doesn't want to get your hopes up. I give the man credit for telling you in advance. Well, you may not think he was justified in stating that to you, but to him, he was giving you a heads up that it was time to spend together and enjoy the holiday...not discuss relationships.
You are going to do what you think is right for you, but right now, I would step back a bit and not invite him to do a lot of things w/you. Yes, you feel so much better when he's right there...but it's the holidays and no one knows if he'll be one of those MLCers that really step back after the holidays. It's not his job to make you happy and tamp down your insecurity at the moment. It's up to you to find ways to tamp down that insecurity and yes, dig deep within you to find that happiness.
I know you want him home and he knows it too. As long as you are accommodating, he's going to have his cake and eat it too. Why would he even consider changing anything in his life if you are going to so willing to pretzel yourself to have him along w/you. I know you both agreed to do family stuff around Christmas, but that doesn't mean a majority of the time. He needs his space, just as you need yours. You need to figure out how to become stronger and less needy.
Dbing is all about you and learning about yourself, how to deal w/what life dishes out and to know when to step back and not be pushy or demanding. It also teaches us to lower our expectations of others (sometimes our expectations are set too high).
I know that I sound harsh, but you need to find ways to deal w/that insecurity and neediness. They aren't appealing. What is appealing is a self-assured, confident, independent person who can be happy w/themselves on their own and not need someone to fill up their self confidence kibble bowl.
Coly, you give great advice to others, it's now time to step outside your comfort zone and practice some of what you've suggested to others. I know you are scared, but Coly, you can do it. I know you can! Have faith in yourself and the man upstairs. Give the wheel back to him allow him to take care and guide your h.
