judela, my dear, this breaks my heart to read. Thank you for having the courage to share. I hope you will take Cadet's advice and start your own thread so others can offer you support and feedback. I alone cannot help you, but I can't tell you that you have a very unhealthy attachment to your H. This needs to be addressed first.
In your post you say how much you love him, that he is the love of your life, and that you are desperate to get him back. You also explain that he mistreats you, is abusive, and has abandoned you and your son, even allowing you to be homeless. This is very, very troublesome.
I want you to understand first and foremost that this is unhealthy, codependent, and even a dangerous situation for you and your child. Healthy love is not based on fear and needing the other person to just be okay in life. Unfortunately these patterns are often deepseeded and began in childhood and so they cannot simply be turned off.
The first thing I want you to do is gather reading and materials on breaking codependency and codependency no more. Right now saving your marriage is NOT the priority, because you are in a very unhealthy state of mind. I am worried about you and your son. Your H coming back will not fix this, it's only a temporary crutch.
I also want you to get some counseling so that an expert can help you through this. This is very difficult and takes a long time to heal from, especially as you are caring for a child too. Please, please start a thread so others can weigh in and offer you support.
As hard as this is and as desperate and low as you feel, I want to assure you that your H has not caused all of this. Unhealthy attachments are complicated and the patterns start far before you meet your partner, often without your awareness. So as terribly painful as this is now, your H leaving has given you the opportunity to identify this and start looking inward. If you can get support and begin to heal, THIS will serve you far more in life than this man coming back.
Please take care of yourself and stop focusing on him and what he is doing in the mean time. Him leaving is a blessing in disguise. You cannot see this now, but you will in time. Healthy love is not based on fear and desperation, it is a choice that two people make and it is based on mutual respect and friendship. You deserve that and your child deserves to see this example.
Keep posting, we are here for you! Big hugs!!! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
