Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[PsySara]

Skyhigh,
I would love to read your story, please consider posting a thread about your situation. You appear to be in a very good place and would likely provide a good blueprint for what works.

Surfer,
Merry Christmas my friend!

I spent the morning putting together a birthday gift that finally arrived a few days ago from back order. (for my son) My DD6 and DS4 were stoked and squealed with glee. Since everyone had the day off I took the kids to my mom's and they ate lots of food and played until they fell asleep. When I got home WH still wasn't home (either at work or out) so I put DSbaby to bed and bathed and fed the kids a snack. I sorted the kitchen and then took a nice, hot shower. WH came home during that time and again barely grunted a greeting at me. (it is sort of a rule for Muslims to salaam each other, he doesn't even salaam me back, just grunts) He did play a lot with the kids and it warmed me to hear their joy and laughter, anything is worth hearing my children happy.

Now for a bit of a confession, I have a way to view WH's online activity. I know this is a big NO-NO with DBing but it has been very helpful when finding out WH was cheating again with the same OW. I was very shocked to find he has been reading up on how wayward spouses should know about reconciliation with their betrayed spouse. He has NEVER done this on his own. Strangely enough I am not feeling hopeful or even jaded about this...just neutral. Before I would have felt my heart leap with hope but I am inclined to think he probably just glanced out of it and quickly backed away.

I've been reading some threads in the infidelity forum and how others finally learned to detach. It really comes down to validating back to the spouse. For instance:

1. I hear you don't want to be in this marriage and you don't feel love for me, that makes me sad but I accept it.

2. You felt I didn't provide you enough (fill in the blank) and that lead you to find it elsewhere. I am so sorry you felt so alone and unloved.

3. You tell me you want out of this marriage and I hear you, you can leave anytime, I won't stop you.

And you have to mean it. Really mean it. It makes no sense for me to hope and pray and beg and fight for this man. I can let go and also let go of the outcome. I will not do anything to push him out the door but I also won't try to pull him towards me. I REALLY need to start working on the relationships I have with others and strengthen them. I need to turn more towards those who are loving and supportive to me. I need to nurture those lovely people and in turn blossom under their bright light. I really need to take better care of my children's mother, since I am their primary support and consistency.

I have a IC session this coming week. I think I will ask her for guidance on mindfulness and how to be in the moment as opposed to ruminating over painful memories. I will talk to a friend of mine who is a NP in psychiatry and may get her to prescribe an antidepressant that works for PTSD and poor sleep. I will likely wean off in 6 months if I feel able. For some odd reason I feel so peaceful today so I am soaking up this feeling while it occurs. I also want to find how I got in this emotional oasis so it can happen with more frequency.