Waywards do come back. First step: LET GO

[judela]

Hi,
I am new, this is my first post. I have been reading the posts for a while. My H left me after a fight this past June and never came back. He would not speak to me, communicate with me in any way at all. I of course, did all the wrong things out of pure despair, anger and heart wrenching loss. I called, texted, emailed a lot and at times got very angry and said some terrible things that I have apologized for and regret. My H and I have been married over 10 years, he is the love of my life. He blindsided me with divorce papers in July and they were full of lies, terrible things and all of his resentments. I continued my obsessive emailing etc. because he left us with nothing, he would not talk to me at all and I had know idea what to think. There was no OW or EA and I am pretty confident of that. My son has seen him and he said no definitely not. He forced my son and I out of our apartment because he stopped paying our rent, knowing I could not afford it alone, my son and I have basically been homeless sense then. My H lives in a motel and has destroyed my life. Over Halloween weekend I was staying in my car with my son. We lost the key to my car and I had to call him because he had the spare key. He, as ususal, would not answer so I left him a message to which he replied and eventually came to help us. I should also mention, my H was able to get a temporary restraining order against me for no contact, he came to help us, he paid for a hotel room for us, took us to dinner, acted like we were a family, the whole time he seemed very cold though. He also lost his job that following Mon so he was stressed and whenever he got the chance he tried to talk to me about our relationship, the divorce proceedings etc. The short of it was that he was hoping I would settle with him ( I think ) on his terms or come to some agreement with him. He never said so but that is what It felt like. After that weekend, I never heard from again and he continues to ignore me and he ignores my son who he parented for ten years as if my S was his own. My S has suffered so badly from all of this and My H does not seem to care at all. I know I am leaving something out. I love him so much. We had a great marriage until we moved to CA then we started having some financial problems, our fighiing escalated, he blames me for eveything wrong in our marriage, he says I am the reason he behaves like he does. When we fight he gets very ugly and sometimes very aggressive ( breaking things, throwing things etc. ) he will stop at nothing to hurt me. I don't know how divorce busting could work for us, we loved each other so much. there was a chemistry that was magical at one time, he cannot let go of anything, he holds grudges and has deep resentments. I don't want to get divorced, right now nothing is happening with our divorce, his bully attorney threatened and harrassed my attorney until he finally quit, I was not done right in my divorce proceedings thus far, but now I don't know anything, nothing seems to be going on. I am sure because of money, I don;t think he really thought this thru, his decision seemed impulsive. We had just rented another apartment for a year, we were making future plans and big ones I don;t understand, I can't seem to move on but he refuses to talk to me, he seems to have no feelings for me at all, Is this hopeless? Has anyone ever comeback from something like this? please, I need help. thank you