Me and Mildlife and...III

[CT1118]

Evening friends. Merry Christmas I suppose is in order. I can report feeling pretty good Had a tough run these past few weeks - life mostly, not just spouse or soon to be ex or babymama or whatever moniker applies. Exams, work, bills, holidays, etc. On a holiday hiatus for the next week - did some hiking yesterday, cleaned up the apartment today and of course wrapped gifts - no point in getting to my full on GAL routine like I did last summer, final semester begins again the 2nd week of January. I will be taking my son to see his grandparents in the mountains of BFE in a couple days - no doubts that grandmommy Claus will rain presents down upon him.

No talk of D since w spouse since my post earlier this month, but I'm sticking to my guns about what I wrote above. She agreed with me on waiting until after the holidays to get into the weeds on it. If I were to tell you that her OM R turns or turned 1 year old somewhere around now as best as I think from last year, I would follow it up with just how little that matters to me now. The first week of Jan '16 was the last time her and I did the horizontal shuffle as I recall; I gave myself a year to see if things would change w/ her and at this point, I have released her from expectation and anticipation. The biggest part is I have released myself from the same regarding a future R. I will not be seeking her expectation again.

But things did change with me. I really did the work. I did the work well, and with a lot of help from so many here. I mean, it all truly led me to my mantra of my personal paradigm shift: anger, control, what I want. Those three things I learned about in myself, and I learned about them all here. I preach it to people. Preach it as in, "here is what I discovered about me, here is what I will identify within me for the rest of my days". Hell, I even culminated them all into my final Master's degree thesis presentation. My thesis was "Alternative Dispute Resolution in Negotiation and Problem Solving". I found a way to work all of those things into it. Professor said it was one of the most exact and thought out theses presentations he had ever seen.

Thing is, I had already learned here that I crave compliments like that - its part of the way I learned to control me, and it was an unworthy want, given the reasons I sought them. And so, what made my work on that project different from years past, I did not write it for me. I did not write it for attention, for a grade, for recognition. I wrote like I wanted others to learn from it, I wrote with genuine concern for others to gain from it, I wrote it like it was something I would have written here. And it hit. And that feels good. And I feel good. I feel good being me, being genuine.

What do YOU want CT ?

What are you working toward now ??

What does reconciliation look like to you ??

What signs would you have to have ??

I wanted to forgive her and I thought that she had to create that moment for me. She didn't, it was within me and my ability the entire time. I was the barrier, not her. Like everything else, it was on me the whole time. The only person we can control is self. And that is what reconciliation looks like for me - the reconciliation of self. The sign, alone after Thanksgiving, was me looking at the carpet, a well used ashtray, and a half full bottle of Jameson and thinking "I can forgive me, I can forgive her. This whole thing was a gift and I am way beyond waiting." The damaged are too dangerous when turned upon themselves and that just ain't me anymore.

If you are in the forum tonight and you are feeling bruised, bored, bloody from your fight - remember, this is about you. This is about your hard work. This is about what motivates you, not what medicates you. Do not stop at the symptoms, but find the cure. Dmn, I'm so proud of all of you tonight and I'm proud to be a member here. Just wanted to tell everyone, I'm doing well and wish you all my best. Do not ever underestimate who you are and all you can be.