Here is what I see in many newcomer men who have a WW. He says this or that seems to work good, and he doesn't understand why he should change it if his WW likes it. I see it as really being what the LBH wants, and he doesn't want to give it up. I have seen many couples who had a friendly relationship and continued doing everything they had always done together. Most cheaters can participate in the MR......while conducting an affair. As long as the H goes along for the ride, then she is more than willing.....just as long as she have the OM, too. That seems to be the case with you.
Exactly what in the MR has changed for her? She continues to benefit from the M and have an A. Why would she give up either one? IMHO, you should not act as if nothing has happened.....b/c it certainly has. Your W is in an EA, and emotional affairs are very powerful and addictive. For you to continue as though she is not cheating, hints strongly that you are co-dependent in this relationship.
It is not enough to tell her that having an A with another man is not acceptable. Your actions have to tell her that you will not abide in a MR of three people. Your actions have to tell her that she doesn't get the date nights, the ILY, sex, etc., when she defiles the MR.
You need to wake up, Gordie. Stop playing along in her game. I am not saying you need to run out and file for D. There are other steps you can take first. You need to set boundaries and be prepared to S or D if your W won't end her A.
If you had dropped her when you first discovered or was told about her A, I think it would have snapped her around. However, you have dragged it on and have continued rewarding her for emotional infidelity. A woman will not respect a man who rewards her bad behavior. You don't know how to detach and be warm?! Why are you concerned about showing her warmth? Come on, Gordie! She is cheating on you and wants another man!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
