Cheated and need advice

[Stormchaser]

Maybe a lot of WAS's leave because they realize how much hurt and damage they've caused and leaving would fix everything. I don't want to leave my H, but I'm beginning to think its just another selfish motive on my part. It doesn't matter what I want anymore.

This was my W. I had her leave when I first found out about her affair. During those two weeks, we went back and forth spewing all kinds of venom. She moved back in reluctantly, but then wanted to move right back out - running away.

She didn't like the pain. It was unlike anything she's been through. She equated it to her mother dying - so running away and immediately divorcing me would've been less painful. Once she got into therapy, her therapist MADE her sit and feel it, be with it, and not to be afraid of it.

We've made strides in these last 10 months. We're still a work in progress.

I can see how your husband feels. I remember those early days when I would snap at my W. Our first month in reconciling, someone paid for a mountain house retreat for just the two of us. It was "supposed" to be a time to try to connect, but one day I snapped at her and said, "You ever do this again, I will DIVORCE YOU.."....here we were, trying to work on our marriage and I'm just constantly smashing her. Not one of my stellar moments.

If you want this to work, you will needs lots of time, lots of therapy and lots of patience while your H works through his emotions.

You remind me a LOT of my W. She could care less about trinkets. Her OP seduced her with so much charm and flattery, she fell for it. (Although this is NOT an excuse). I rarely complimented on her looks, and when I did, it was more of a back-handed compliment ("your ass doesn't look as big as it did before"), or if I did say something, it wasn't flattery as much as bar-room talk. ("Nice cleavage, honey, trying to pick up men").

Through my OWN therapy, I'm changing. I no longer talk like that. I compliment my wife (and our two daughters) regularly and try not to sound phony about it. My wife is looking at her own life and realizing how awful she let men treat her and now stands up for herself. (She works in a gym and has had to deal with lots of men who can be pretty vulgar).

10 months later and I still have doubts, mostly because she still works with OM. She's assured me (but I don't believe it at all) that they have no contact - I've told MC that I think I need to bring up her affair to HR at work. My W is currently looking for another job, but my patience with them working together is getting worse. I'm ready to out them to his W. I need to work on this.

And your H is a lot like me, in that I'm not in great shape at all and here my W is, working at a gym around all kinds of body builders. My confidence took a huge hit as well, but W insists her attraction to OM was strictly emotional - and I can believe this, being that I saw pictures of him. Short, bald with crooked teeth. Even her closest friend said to her, "what the HELL is wrong with you when you have this sexy dude at home?"

I go to the gym now, but not to keep her. I've found that running and doing light weights a few hours a day keeps my mental demons at bay. I've lost weights, look better, and that helps my confidence. Plus my W saying some nice things helps.

Good luck with this, I hope what I say helps....