Phoebe, nearly a year on, still a work in progress

[Phoebe]

I'm sad and struggling a bit this evening. I just decorated my Christmas tree (finally) with my Mom's help, and after she left, I just started feeling really lonely. Then I saw this ornament on the tree that I love.

It's just a silly little felt penguin, but a couple years ago my mom and I each made one. We did it together and it was fun and we got to spend time together while we made our little projects. She gave hers to my father, and I gave mine to my STBXH. They are super cute, and I love the little thing. STBXH's hung in our out-of-state kitchen all through 2015 because it was too cute to put away. I brought it back to my farm right before Christmas to make sure it got put on the tree... and then STBXH ran away a couple days later.

Anyway, I though I'd be fine, so I hung the little ornament on the tree, but it tugged at me. I looked at it again, and it just made me sad. I decided that I would give it away and I just finished boxing it up, and now I'm sadder yet, flooded by memories of making the thing with my mom, giving it to H, then the way it all ended...

Monday was a full year, and I can still be hit by little rogue waves. I just want to go curl up somewhere and hide for the rest of the season. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, and now it is all so tightly tied up with the pain of last season. I wonder if the season will be tainted forever. I've been trying so hard not to let it get to me, and yet, here I am again, crying by a Christmas tree. damn.

I guess I sort of decided to skip christmas cards this year. I just don't want to face them. I bought the cards, and nice stamps, and then I just kind of ignored the project...

I'm just tired, sad, and lonely tonight. It's just me and the Christmas tree, and the tree's not very snuggly.