So here’s my story: W and I are both 36 and have known each other for 18 years, been together for 16 and married for 11 and have 2 kids (6/4). We have been having issues here and there but nothing earth shattering but everything came apart in the last couple of months. First (In October) she told me that she wanted a separation because she needed time apart and wanted to sort through her thoughts- then as we continued to discuss it came out that she was having an EA with her boss since September and now is ready to walk away as she thinks she has found someone that truly understands her and makes her happy. We are currently living together but are in the process of separating- I have read the DR/DB books and the threads on here and realized quickly that I was doing all the wrongs things- pleading, begging, crying, chasing- leaving nice notes, telling her how much I love her and how great she looks (she did admit that it was swaying her but also made her angry as to why it took this to get here). I have now stopped all this and am doing a 180 and limiting contact and things seem to be getting better as we are not fighting but that is also because we are not discussing anything- I am only on Day 4 of the 180. She of course is nicer to me now and left this morning stating we will always be friends and I kind of rolled my eyes and she stated that she at least knows she wants to.
As far as I know she is still talking to the OM at one point she did state that she was planning on just serving me with divorce papers but then realized I’m not that bad of a person. I am in the process of detaching myself from her but it is difficult as we have been together since 20. She has also admitted that she is still physically attracted to me and knows that she can’t help that but has also stated ILYBNILWY. Up until a I did the 180 we were ML 2-3 times a week and I am pretty sure we could continue too however I have not done anything to initiate since the 180- any thoughts on this?
Through the process of detachment I am actually beginning to question why I would want to stick around for someone that is capable of doing all this and showing no remorse but I have not yet decided to completely pull the plug but having this mindset definitely helps in GAL and moving on. I have realized that she needs to fix her wrongs on her own but it is very hard to stand by and do nothing without knowing what the future holds.
We had originally planned on attending counselling but she stated that she was doing it just for me and had no desire so I ended up cancelling them all together- we are planning to separate in January (kids will be split 4/4). I will try and keep my 180 up until then and see what happens. One thing I’ve found helpful is that I have a count-up clock that shows how long I have been 180ing and it definitely helps keep it in perspective that I don’t want to lose the hard work to date. Any tips/ideas would be helpful…never thought I would be in this situation.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here. Unfortunately, things will not be better by January. So don't do the 180's to try and prevent a S. Do them to make yourself a better person. Do them only for you. Do not ML with her. She needs to see that she has lost you by choosing this path. She needs to see that you will NOT be friends if this comes to D (unless of course you are ok with that). Do not try and go to MC right now. You should go to IC. She has to end the A and hit rock bottom before she can come back to the MR. Anything you do to make it easier on her will only prolong the agony. Detach, 180, GAL and GO DARK.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
It is good that you are currently living together. Stay in the MBR and don't put any effort into relocating. If she wants to separate, she needs to jump through the hoops to make this happen.
Don't worry about the begging, crying, chasing, etc that you did before you read DR. It isn't too late to get things moving in a more positive direction. Focus on being the best Cold and Dad. Make genuine changes in yourself for you and your precious kids.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
So she stated yesterday that she has stopped talking to the OM but I don’t believe her at all (this would be the third time she has told me this). I am actually at the point of asking her to leave or locking her out of the house. The more I think of it the more I question as to why I would want someone in my life who doesn’t want to be here.
Yesterday she said stated she had ended it with the OM but also wanted a separation and my response was that’s fine. Plan right now is to rent a place and we will rotate 4 days in and out of the rental while the kids stay put in the house.
The longer this goes on the more I find I keep asking myself the question why- why am I here and why should I continue to stay. A part of me wants to lock her out today and be done with it (we have xmas dinner at our house and nobody knows what’s going on).
Not sure what my next steps will be but I have a hard time wanting to put any effort into this- I am however continuing to make myself better for me but I find this all is very draining.
So she stated yesterday that she has stopped talking to the OM but I don’t believe her at all (this would be the third time she has told me this). I am actually at the point of asking her to leave or locking her out of the house. The more I think of it the more I question as to why I would want someone in my life who doesn’t want to be here.
Yesterday she said stated she had ended it with the OM but also wanted a separation and my response was that’s fine. Plan right now is to rent a place and we will rotate 4 days in and out of the rental while the kids stay put in the house.
The longer this goes on the more I find I keep asking myself the question why- why am I here and why should I continue to stay. A part of me wants to lock her out today and be done with it (we have xmas dinner at our house and nobody knows what’s going on).
Not sure what my next steps will be but I have a hard time wanting to put any effort into this- I am however continuing to make myself better for me but I find this all is very draining.
Sorry about your situation. This is draining and miserable but you do it for a better you. Read a lot and you'll find many similar situations. Listen to Sandi and read her stuff. In it you'll learn that you should not only not leave the house but not your bedroom.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I concur - do NOT leave the house. She is very confused obviously; and it's not unheard of for the WAS to realize the affair wasn't as snazzy and cool as they thought. However, once you give up the house, it's almost impossible to take it back again.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
