Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

Woke_Up

Is she "fine" when people stay over. Even to you in front of them? Or is she fine with them and cold with you when alone or cold in front of them.

This depends. If it is FOO she feels comfortable expressing her emotions in front of (i.e. they know what she's like) then it can be be any.

If it is 'guests' it is usually fine & cold in private or just fine, depending on the mood, and whether any existing arguments are ongoing.

When I was saying fine in the most recent instances, I meant that we got on OK, and there was no drama with me being in the MBR - I think the issue comes when she doesn't feel it is her decision. So when guests stay it is 'her decision' to let me back in MBR. No drama. When I try to stay in there myself, it is not her decision but mine being forced on her, so massive rage/spew

TBH whichever answer, the result is the same. She is probably gaslighting you whilst spewing, history re-writing, spreading propaganda etc. I believe your wife, like mine, is (most likely) Verbally Abusing you. See Verbally Abusive Relationship book - suggest you look back at how much of it you underline (and do underline it, I know we are taught not to deface books etc; forget that just for now - you can even draw a picture of a c0ck and b@lls on the front page if it makes you laugh like an 11 year old). The sad part about this is verbal abuse like this is FOO stuff. She has grown up with it I imagine and that creates a very deep rooted habit - that is probably at her core (perhaps her Mum's too). She will find it almost impossible to change and it will worsen if she does not. You are going to have to become her pscho's observer for a while I am afraid. I know it's hard but you can and will do it for you and your D.

Ha Ha, made me chuckle. Yes, writing on books will take some getting used to again, but then I guess it is a similar concept to handling vinyl when I started learning to DJ in my ripe old mid thirties. You never handle vinyl except by the edges.. never put your fingers on the surface! Until you do.

I have the book, just trying to get some free time to read it in peace. I have a few to get through now, with DR, Love Must be Tough, Torn Asunder (WW has this, although I think she has read some and now discarded as it is behind her mirror in MBR). I am currently reading 'How to Break Free of the Drama Triangle and Victim Consciousness' by B & J Weinhold. I'll feed back on it, but it has given me some insight already; I am coming at this with zero experience in the realm of relationships/interactions/psychology analysis.

I believe you may be right with the points involved in verbally abusive relationship. I am sure I have some negative traits that will be described therein, also - I now have a few days off until I am back at work, so will hopefully get some time to read, scribble, learn. In amongst my GAL online course and the usual family stuff.

Final point. Your real goal has zero to do with her. It has to do with you. What would the old you be like if this 'alien' approached you for a relationship and you saw her for what she is (pre-kids?). you would walk. You are not walking, and that is very commendable. But you also should not crave her. Forget that. You must try to become the old you for you, D4 and SS16. No more eggshell walking or any of that.

Thank you. I get it on an intellectual level, that it is about me, and embarking on a journey to be a better person, which may or may not have the additional benefit of building a better R - but the emotional is difficult at times. I have argued and fought with WW more than anyone else in my history, but also love her more than anyone before.

Good point about eggshell walking, recently it had turned into a really depressing thought to be going home, knowing about the EA that was ongoing. (and even prior, if I am honest, as there was quite a bit of conflict recently). Now that I know that there is little I can do about it, I go home with the intention of being positive, being there for the kids, and not being turned into an emotional mess by circumstances beyond my control. I have control of myself and my actions. I'm getting that now.

There's a way to go yet, I still haven't really dealt with how I feel about her contacting EAP from the house, but I have managed to back-burner it while focusing on more important things (i.e. not being shoved into spare room, not leaving house, listening well, talking more). She doesn't do it overtly, so if I don't snoop then I can never know for sure.. but I 'know'.

Thanks for your insight/advice

I hope you have the best Christmas possible with the kids, and enjoy. I'll keep up with your sitch.

Lets raise a glass and say cheers - to each other and to the future, whatever it may bring.