Ongoing...

[Jug]

Sorry for that. Detach to protect yourself. If you're going to do Christmas together, focus on your son. Hang in there.

[Dawgs]

I've got to spend Christmas morning with this woman (for the sake of my S).

What do I do guys? How am I mean to feel?

Honestly, it won't be easy. Everyone says to make it about your son, and that is THE best thing you can do. Remember, your son will feed off of you, so you have to fake it the best you can. Will it be easy? Not in the least. I had to do the same thing last Christmas with my ex and her sister at the house. It's all about the kids and make it so. Be nice to her and maybe even treat her like a business acquaintance, because really that's all you can do - fake it, whatever, but don't bring any negativity into it even if you can't stand the sight of her. This time is about your son and he will recognize and remember tension. Be his rock. He needs you to be the absolute best and strongest that you can. There are no other options.

[sandi2]

Your ego had a boost and with it came the realization that there is life apart from your W. However, the down feelings quickly returned. I believe this very normal or typical of emotions b/c they can be undependable. We can't rely on emotions b/c they can be fickle and cause us to question ourselves. Emotion is the "responder" part of our being. That is the job of emotion.......to respond. As human beings, we often give emotion the job of leading and deciding for us. The end result could go either way, b/c emotion was not designed to have that job description. We are emotional beings, and I would hate to live without emotions.

A friend recently told me that during a conversation the W had mentioned that she felt bad for some of the conversations that she'd had with me but her responses (which were damn right cruel) were provided so that she didn't give me the wrong impression or false hope.

I will endorse her intentions as being a very common action among WW's. That is why I tell H's to step back and not pursue, b/c it's only going to make her more vicious. At least part of her cruel words is meant to convince the spouse that the M is over, and that's pursuit is useless and hopeless. A WW usually has an agenda, and she doesn't want her spouse, or anyone else, getting in her way. And btw, that is why she often has to acquire new friends who encourage her to follow her agenda. They will have man bashing sessions to fuel the motivation.

As for spending Christmas with her for the sake of S3, ask yourself if it will be easier for him next year.......or the next. After she's remarried, or you have a new lady, will you be expected to share the holidays for the sake of your son? I think it is unrealistic for her to come home and play family, only to leave and play fantasy again. I'm not suggesting she shouldn't see her child. If she has her own place, then a schedule should be set where S3 spends time at each place. Horrible, I know.........but, realistic for her to see this is what life for her will be after D.

Is she just coming by to see him open gifts, or will she be staying for a meal and spending most of the day there? Did you invite her, or did she invite herself? There is a chance that seeing her home decked out for Christmas and the family atmosphere will tug at her heart's strings. Will it be enough to get her eyes open and turn her around? Who knows.

If it were me, I would have the music playing, and all the Christmas smells in the house, and I would be at the peak of showing my polished and fun personality. I would make it the best day of the year. Hopefully, she will leave with all those memories in her head, and knowing it was the last time......and that she gave it away. (Of course, you don't say any of this to her). There is absolutely no guarantee it will affect her at all. I am just saying that if you carry through with the plans, make it great and don't go around with your heart on your sleeve. Go into the bathroom and bury your head into the towels and cry, if you have to, but don't let her see. Don't do anything that indicates you think her being there means anything other than her seeing S3. In fact, the following days, she may feel the need to say more cruel things to you, just to make sure you didn't get your hopes up while she was there for Christmas.

If you decide to leave the plains in place this time, I strongly urge you to start the new year with some type of schedule about holidays, special events, and family traditions.

[Gordie]

If it were me, I would have the music playing, and all the Christmas smells in the house, and I would be at the peak of showing my polished and fun personality. I would make it the best day of the year. Hopefully, she will leave with all those memories in her head, and knowing it was the last time......and that she gave it away. (Of course, you don't say any of this to her). There is absolutely no guarantee it will affect her at all. I am just saying that if you carry through with the plans, make it great and don't go around with your heart on your sleeve. Go into the bathroom and bury your head into the towels and cry, if you have to, but don't let her see.

Sandi2--Thanks for this Christmas advice--very helepful, as always.

[RBG80]

Thanks for taking the time out Sandi - I really appreciate it.

I didn't want her round, I wanted to do separate celebrations but she was persistent that it was best for our S. Reluctantly I agreed and it is meant to be for opening presents and then breakfast. W & S will then go back to her moms and I'll pick him up later in the evening.

I was doing so well in myself and this has knocked me back so far!

I have been very stand offish today when she called and she twigged asking me what was wrong. I just replied "nothing". She basically said well there shouldn't be "I've done nothing wrong" .... Guilty conscience.

At this point, I have to leave plans in place, I don't want to confront her about this OM as it'll just cause a row that I can't handle at the moment. She's broken me so badly that I just can't take anything more from her.

She's all over Twitter being sent messages of sympathy for being dumped by text - just so insulting that that's the response to a short relationship when she walked away from an 18 year relationship! She's even said to a mutual friend that she talks to people from Twitter because they don't know her and it's a new beginning - basically people who will enable her actions. Pure escapism!

I just can't stop looking on her Twitter account (albeit just the posts in response to her comments - so a one sided conversation), so I've closed down and deactivated my account.

Really need to dust myself off and start again, but this woman has no res for me (nor herself by the looks of it).

[RBG80]

Feeling better today. Knowing that there is nothing that I can do is a hard thing to accept, but its true, there is nothing that I can do other than control how I react and what attention I allow myself to give these thoughts.

As always, all input is so gratefully received.

[doodler]

RBG80,

Do you have any big goals or things you'd like to do or accomplish with the rest of your life?

[JRuss]

RBG80 -- just wanted to say hang in there, man. I've learned in my own sitch that this is anything but a straight-line journey we are on. You're going to move backward at times, and that's just the way grief/healing works. It's especially likely during the holidays. So don't beat on yourself or tell yourself you've suffered anything like a permanent or even meaningful setback. You're exactly where you are, which is the only place you can be. Happy holidays!

[sandi2]

RBG80, did you survive? Hope to hear from you soon.

[RBG80]

Hey Sandi, hope you had a great Christmas 😄

It was very weird having the W round, it didn't feel natural having her in the house. I thought it might make me miss what we had, but it just felt wrong - not sure if that's good or bad....

I've been talking with a girl I met in the pub. She's very shy and there appears to be something there, but she's made me see that there is happiness other than with my W.

One thing I've come to realise is that whenever there is a next woman, she's going to be so lucky to be with me (I know that sounds arrogant), but the lessons I've learned are going to allow me to treat that next woman like a queen.

I do remain very sad that things couldn't work out with my W, but acceptance I believe has been achieved.

Hope you all find some peace during this time.