Oh, I'm so happy for you that he reached out like that, even with the snarky comments. I don't know what that means for you, as he may waffle back and forth with being angry and missing you, but his holding you and letting you sleep with him is wonderful.
^ What she said. He is going to need time and the best you can do is give it to him. It took me what seemed like forever to process my ex's affair and get to a point to where I wanted to do more than just throat punch her. It may take him a long time, or maybe not. The thing is, he is processing at his own rate. You know him better than anyone else...use that knowledge wisely.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you all. I am hoping Christmas goes smoothly. I love this time of year and I've already ruined this years. Hoping I can get through with at least some good memories to look back on. I don't want Christmas ruined forever . Day by day, right?
Ugh, right after I wrote that, H and I had been emailing about some business stuff and right in the middle of it all, he says "I can't believe you did this to us." My heart hurts so bad. I don't know how to fix this.
Maybe a lot of WAS's leave because they realize how much hurt and damage they've caused and leaving would fix everything. I don't want to leave my H, but I'm beginning to think its just another selfish motive on my part. It doesn't matter what I want anymore.
My heart hurts so bad. I don't know how to fix this.
You can't. The ball's in his court now. All you can do is show that you are serious. Other than that, you're on his ride now.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Can you elaborate on the avoiding/codependent issues more?
I said conflict avoidance which is a fairly typical trait for most of us. I know it is for me and I would rather give in to someone than have conflict. You can try googling it.
Codependency
Quote:
What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following: An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling. The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.
How Do Co-dependent People Behave? Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity. They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior. The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.
I've been cautiously peeking into your thread as it triggers me but here's what would have worked for me to regain trust in my WH.
1. He immediately break off contact with OW and send her a letter explaining that he made an awful choice and he needs to focus on making himself a better father and husband.
2. He start reading books on how to fix himself and make his own appointments for IC to get to the root of his broken-ness
3. I requested he read a book called "How To Help Your spouse heal from your affair." He eventually did after much begging and screaming from me but did nothing the book suggested. His excuse is that he is not motivated because he is not "in love" with me.
4. For him to approach me and tell me how sorry he is for destroying my trust, health and mental well being by violating our marriage while I was carrying a high risk pregnancy that he begged for. For him to hold me when I was sobbing uncontrollably.
He did none of this and the damage it has wrought is breath taking. Instead he has painted himself as the victim, stating my lack of sex and affection "forced" him to seek a relationship outside our marriage. He still tells me he will not show remorse because he doesn't "feel it" for me. He has serious FOO issues that he can recognize but cannot see how he is furthering the dysfunction by being passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. I am most likely going to file for divorce next month and seek sole custody of our children as I fear for their mental well being with such a selfish father. He will likely repeat his behaviors again and again in his future relationships and die alone. This could be your future unless you are willing to actually change your poor coping mechanisms and find out why you need constant outside validation. My words are not meant to hurt but to prevent a life time of repeating the same self destructive behaviors.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
. Day by day, right?