Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

Final final point. Has SS16 seen this before in a the previous R (with his Dad etc)?

I'll answer this one first, and go with yes. Not that SS16 talks much about it, but WW has. Her R with SS16 dad was bad. Think they were together 7 or 8 yrs, always argued, dad is lazy etc, was always smoking weed, slacking off work, getting fired. When SS was born he was outside the hospital having a spliff. WW married him after about 6 or 6 yrs, at the behest of her mother even though she didn't want to, filed for divorce about 6 months later. During that time she had a PA for about 5yrs. She was young at the time, had SS16 around her 18th birthday.

I guess a thing to note is that she described her PA as her best friend who made her laugh, but he was 'obsessed' with her and just trying to get into her knickers.

Her previous R before me was also full of arguments and 2 way abuse, some physical, but she had thought it was the love of her life. When I met her, approx 12 months after that R ended, she was still having issues relating to it. I know the person she was with, so know that he is a juvenile idiot, but that is by the by.

With her current EA when arguing, she has often denied it is an affair, described her friendship and someone who understands her. The sex talk and love talk just 'throwing him a bone'... however recently she told me she loved him. Shortly after she asked if we could forget that conversation, she was very confused. (I had started talking about ending our R, selling house, working out the practicalities).

Most recently when she brought up the EAP, she was describing him as childish, and not having achieved anything with his life. (What could I do but agree with her). There are occasional gaps in the fog.

My biggest concern is that this EA may end, but she sees this as the only problem (when talking and I said we had lots of problems to work out, she replied "we have one problem")...

I don't want to fall back into the old R. I don't want to fall back into the old me. I want to work on a better me. A more decisive me, proactive and positive. I want to lose my bad habits that I know I have.

I would love it if WW would come along on this journey, but I know she is resistant to IC or MC. She believes she knows herself best, she can work out other people quickly, and that most IC/MC out there is quackery to get money from you.

I believe if she comes along, it will either be from my changes creating ways to stop the old cycle, or she may find some self help along the way. Whatever happens, I know that *I* can change in a positive way for my life and my D & SS.