Deckard, yes I would want that to happen. Not that I want the kids to lose their mother, but her existence is not an overall benefit to the children. She "entertains" them, which they enjoy, but she isn't good at helping them deal with life. She isn't a good example of how to live a healthy life, mentally or physically.

GF has been divorced for 7 years.... last night we talked about how to handle Christmas. She wants to do what is best for her kids (even though they are 18 & 19), which means them going to their dad's, then to GF's parents' house. For my kids, they will be with their mom until 10 Christmas morning, then open presents with my parents at my house. They all have their own places to be, which means we drag them with us to even more places (me bringing my kids to GF's parents' for example), or we miss out on each others' lives. It's a normal part of life for people who are D'd, and it blows. xW's parents were divorced, and I absolutely hated all the running around we had to do every holiday. Things became much easier when xW's dad died. He was pretty rotten to xW, he cared more about his new life than his own children, which just added tension to the gathering. So, I know exactly what it is like from the other end, not because my parents were D'd, they are still together, but the added chaos of xW's life impacted my life. Now my kids have to go through that for many years to come.... it is wrong, in so many ways.... it isn't what is best for the kids, it is what is best for xW to have "fun," and that's all that matters to her at this point in her life.

xW acts like the victim, of me, and it ticks me off.... she is a victim of herself only. And her selfishness is impacting everyone around her.

Here's an example.... when I was working I made a lot of money. We had a lot of stuff, a 5000 sq ft house packed to the ceiling with toys. She took every toy, and has them all packed away in storage. Why couldn't she leave behind stuff for the kids to do when with me? So that she can have it? The kids are not benefiting from it, it is still packed away, and she is so busy running around they wouldn't have time to touch these toys even if they could find them. I lose, the kids lose, she gained nothing. Why? To "punish" me? THAT is why I want her to realize, to pull her head out and see her actions for what they have done. THAT is why I care, because my kids are missing out because of her selfishness. If someone doesn't care about that, there is something wrong with them, not something wrong with me for feeling this way.

Now I have no job, no money, and can't replace this stuff I have taken years to accumulate for my kids. She has it all packed away, doesn't use it, but continues to spend the child support money on buying them even more stuff, and is still asking for alimony! She wants to make sure she can provide more for them than I can, to play the "favorite parent" game.

To add to this there is a list of stuff she knows she needs to return, and has yet to return anything of value... it has been a year since I have seen much of this stuff, and she claims she is "too busy" to go through it. Yep, too busy playing!

Yes, GF is great. No I don't want xW back. But this spoiled brat I call xW isn't being reasonable at all. In counseling she says stupid things like "no matter what I give back to him, it will never be enough." She has no basis for that, she hasn't tried giving back, and there is nothing in our history together where I was selfish, I gave her everything for 21 years.

"To be truly happy in a new R....." What does that mean? Regardless of how happy I am in a new R, doesn't change the impact to my children, the mess of trying to blend with the new family. My beliefs are that M is something you work on and stick to, not something you bail on because the grass appears greener on the other side. It doesnt change the child support I pay for her to leave me, to keep the kids from me. You can have your beliefs, I'll have mine, limiting or not.

Juju, thanks for the reply and kind words. I wish I could say it gets better.... it doesn't. I have yet to talk to a person who claims everyone is better off after D. Even my sister who left an actual abuser, even after her ex died, things are still not easy or right. Everyone continues to struggle with their ex, for the rest of their life. Except for the ones who got out before having kids, they are the only ones who get to completely cut the ties.

Side note, GF's story. Her ex left for another woman 7 years ago. She accepted it fairly well. He tried coming back a few times, GF turned him down, he still tells their kids that he loves her (while going from woman to woman). The grass isn't greener, is it? But he screwed things up pretty bad, still continues to do stupid things to the kids. GF talks to him fine, but says she really doesn't like to talk to him. So, again I have to ask, what part of this are we supposed to be happy about?