Just to clarify...when I say "fair", I'm not pouting and saying he has no right to go there. I just don't know how to respond because 1) my word is shot and 2) I don't think its helping the situation by allowing himself to "believe" what might have happened when it didn't.
1) H opened up last night and told me he wanted this to work, but he will never be able to forget or forgive what I did to him. I have no expectations of forgiveness, but I don't know what to say when he says he'll never be able to forget and forgive. I'm assuming this is how most LBS feel in the beginning?
I am going to disagree with your husband.
I do agree that he will never forget. In the area of forgiveness, first he needs to forgive himself, then he does need to forgive you. And yes TIME should help this. I am not sure that this is something you can TELL him.
If he truly wants to work on the marriage then that is a huge step forward.
Let me ask this, do you forgive yourself? What are the circumstances that caused this to happen? What role did your husband play? What role did you play?
All of this did not happen in a vacuum and we all play a 50% part in our relationships.
On to another topic. Do you know your love language? Do you know your husbands love language? Do you use this knowledge?
OK that is a bunch of stuff to chew on. I will leave it there to begin with.
Let me ask this, do you forgive yourself? What are the circumstances that caused this to happen? What role did your husband play? What role did you play?
I don't know if I forgive myself yet. I know that I am trying to work on me and the deep rooted cause of how I got here. I'm still trying to wrap my head around "why" I even allowed myself to go there and how I could even risk my M over something so dumb.
Circumstances and roles...I feel like I'm not really even "allowed" to go there, that anything I say will sound like an excuse. H and I talked about that last night too. He asked what he could have done differently or what this guy said that he didn't. I wasn't trying to place any blame on him, but I told him that this guy pumped out a lot of flattery...how gorgeous I was, that I was superwoman for all of my accomplishments in life. Yea, this guy was feeding the flattery because he was on the hunt, but it still felt nice. When I ask my husband how I look when I dress up, his response is "he doesn't care." A couple of Sundays ago he wanted to go out to eat, nothing fancy, just grab lunch, but I decided I wanted to look nice and put on makeup. He got mad at me saying its stupid to get ready when we're just going to eat pizza. I told him this last night, that I try to look good for him and he just gets mad. However, he knows when I look good too, but he won't SAY it. I have gotten really good at reading his facial expressions. He gets a little more handsy and pays more attention when I am dressed up or hair curled. Even that Sunday after he got mad at me for getting ready, I could tell he was happy with how I looked. Again, its all going to sound like excuses. I get we relationships are 50/50, but at this point, I feel like bringing any of his "faults" into this is just going to come off as me blaming him. I have to tread really carefully with that. I was supposed to go to therapy last night but counselor had to cancel last minute. H told me last night, he doesn't like the idea of me going to someone because its just going to turn into me complaining about him...that that's what therapists do. Somehow this is going to be "his" fault.
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On to another topic. Do you know your love language? Do you know your husbands love language? Do you use this knowledge?
I've heard of the book enough to know what it is and have always wanted to read it. Never taken any quiz or anything. My understanding is people display love typically in the way they receive it. If that's true, for H its physical gifts. He loves to surprise me with extravagent or very thoughtful gifts...car for my bday...things like that. He puts a lot of thought into my gifts and really pays attention to clues I give. For me, that's not typically how I feel loved. Mine's probably a mix of languages, words, touch....I appreciate the things he does for me, I just don't feel 100% loved that way. Anyone with money can give me those things. For me, I try to show him in little ways that I care. When I get out of the shower, I change the radio back to his channel so he doesn't have to mess with it when he gets in, I put his loofah in front of mine so he doesnt have to move mine out of the way to get his. I pay attention to when he's getting low on supplies and get them without him having to ask me. H would flip if I made a decision like get him a car, so I can't really buy "big" things like he does for me.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Never taken any quiz or anything. My understanding is people display love typically in the way they receive it. If that's true, for H its physical gifts.
You can take the quiz online for free. Might be worth your time.
People have different love languages in the way they "speak"/ give and the way they "hear" / receive. So it sounds like your husband "speaks" with gifts, but maybe you don't "hear" that. Intuitively you know that he is giving love, but maybe it is not speaking to you.
And maybe your husband hears a different love language than what he speaks.
How about you, do you hear and speak different languages?
I can see how you must have felt emotionally starved to hear him respond positivity and give you a compliment once in a while. I don't know what his issues are, but it is difficult for me to understand a man who doesn't want to compliment his own W.
Can you tell us about the MR in previous times? What were you like, what he was like, etc.
Would you say you had unmet expectations in the MR? What about the build up of resentment over a period of time? You must surely feel a lot of frustration, but I am not hearing bitterness and anger that a lot of women often experience before turning to another man.........maybe b/c we are mostly hearing remorse, ATM. Did you suffer from depression?
What about your feelings of respect toward your H? Have they declined over the years, and have you been guilty of showing little signs of disrespect for him (tone of voice, body language, etc.)? I am trying to see if these issues previously existed. You may not see what difference it would make, however, it would really help us to see that part about you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can see how you must have felt emotionally starved to hear him respond positivity and give you a compliment once in a while. I don't know what his issues are, but it is difficult for me to understand a man who doesn't want to compliment his own W.
Can you tell us about the MR in previous times? What were you like, what he was like, etc.
Would you say you had unmet expectations in the MR? What about the build up of resentment over a period of time? You must surely feel a lot of frustration, but I am not hearing bitterness and anger that a lot of women often experience before turning to another man.........maybe b/c we are mostly hearing remorse, ATM. Did you suffer from depression?
What about your feelings of respect toward your H? Have they declined over the years, and have you been guilty of showing little signs of disrespect for him (tone of voice, body language, etc.)? I am trying to see if these issues previously existed. You may not see what difference it would make, however, it would really help us to see that part about you.
At the risk of this turning into "his fault," I will say we've been going through some things. I already emasculated him by telling OM about these issues, so I'll try to keep it simple. H has low-T and zero libido. I've been rejected more times than I can count, even with simple kissing. He says that kissing (making out or longer than a peck) means that girls will want more, so he just shuts me down from the start. H has really been making an effort to address the problem...not really help to "satisfy" me, but going to doctors and what not. One thing that got brought up in the texts with OM that night was some of this stuff as well as one specific thing that happened the night before. I've already said H's issues, well the day we got in from travelling, which was the day before this incident, H was in the mood for like the first time in a long time, but instead of having sex, he just asked for a "favor." I made the comment, well what do I get? and he said "later". Obviously, later came and went, he fell asleep that night before me...and the next night...the night I talked to OM on the phone. I hate even saying all of this, because yea, it hurts and right now even I want to cry, but I can't make this argument with him. He'll see it as blaming and it didn't matter how "bad" our situation was, it didn't give me a right to talk to OM.
Other than this, H and I have a pretty good relationship. We're really good friends. We rely on each other a lot. We were together almost 8 years before we got married. We travel a lot together. We have friends but don't really go out and socialize that much. Other than work and gym, we spend most of our time together with little to no fighting. We had been talking about starting a family this coming year (that's out of the question now), but I wanted kids and he was "whatever" on the issue. I had been getting mad at him more lately about that since he'd agree with me that we'd start a family, but then say things like "we'll never have to worry about THAT because we're never having kids." I knew he was joking, but deep down it still bothered me and I'd get upset. Between that and the sex issue, we are good. We have the same goals and dreams and work together to build that future. We love talking about our future. I don't know if that answers your questions or not.
Last night after getting home was ok...not great, not bad. H was talking, but not much. He looked really exhausted and sad. I said I needed to go grocery shopping. He replied I just went a few days ago with an accusing tone. This was before I knew for sure we were hosting Christmas and hadn't bought anything for Christmas dinner. He said I'm gonna do whatever anyway, so just go. Had to work on a project together later and he lightened up some. I asked him if there was anything he needed or that I could do for him, specifically in the room he's been staying in, then threw out a joke saying "like me missing?" He kinda just rolled his eyes. I started getting ready for bed and as he passed my room, he didn't look at me or stop, he was walking but mumbled that I could sleep in his room tonight if I wanted. My heart was so happy. He actually put his arm around me too...made a few remarks about how I was probably dreaming he was OM, but kept close to me. Hoping its not just the loneliness that prompted that.
