Waywards do come back. First step: LET GO

[BluWave]

Thank you BlueWave, this was tremendously helpful.

Hi Sara. I don't post often, but I do follow your thread. I feel for you, I really do. You are an amazing woman and I hope that things settle down soon and you can start to feel more positive about your future.

I wish I could offer you more encouragement! I do tend to believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You have certainly been through so much agony, and you continue to challenge yourself to keep growing and learning. I admire you! I think one day you will look back on this and see that you gained something in life you might otherwise not have.

(((Sara)))

Bluwave,

I have spent hours reading your posts and want to say thank you for sharing your insight. Unfortunately, I'm still in the early stages and am having a hard time with the letting go. We are still under the same roof with kids but my W is in her fifth year of MLC and is convinced that we have to D in order for her to become the person she Is meant to be. She is infatuated with a 22yo man who works for her and says she loves him...and me. I don't think I can stop the D but want to minimize the damage to the kids (elementary, middle and high school). How did you do that while your H was being wayward?

Hi Gordie. Thanks for stopping by. I will certainly check out your threads. So your W is in her 5th year of MLC? I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. I am very sorry.

I tend to be direct in my communication, and perhaps too generous with 2*4s, but I can't help but wonder if this is less of a MLC and more that she has just changed? People do change, unfortunately not always for the better.

Back to your question of minimizing the damage to my kids. That's a hard one, because it was painful for them. I wish I had done a better job. If I could go back in time, I would have sheltered them much more. There is the obvious stuff of not arguing in front of them, not having D or R talks with them or burdening them with adult problems, and then of course not bad mouthing your S to them. I think what hurt my kids more than that was having to see me so vulnerable, frail, and well, bitter.

It seems hard to give advice too because kids of different ages and maturities handle these situations differently. For the younger kids I think they need consistency, clarity in what to expect, and more frequent visitation exchanges if possible. Being cordial in front of them is super important, as they deserve to feel safe and know that things are ok. That was very hard! My H wanted to check in, email photos, and be friendly for the kids sake and meanwhile I was so infuriated and hurt by his active A.

For older kids, well you don't want to overdo it with positivity. I think they need to know that things are changing, it's going to be hard, but we both love them and we will all get though this. If we paint too much of a positive picture, we might overlook their fears and feelings. One of my kids was anxious and struggling, and so we found a good child therapist to help. She needed this safe person to share her feelings with.

My oldest (now an adult) did not do well and really went downhill during that time. Long story. She wanted to know everything and she wanted to protect me. I had to find a balance between being honest and open with her, but also creating healthy boundaries and not allowing for too much "friendship."

I could talk/post about this for hours. Its so hard! And there is really no avoiding that some damage will be done. Here's the thing tho, life is hard and people are resilient. Look around the world and what's happening--it's just incredible what people go through, yet we all have this resiliency that we never knew we had.

So maybe instead of trying to protect our kids from the trauma of D, we can serve them better by handing them the tools to navigate through it. Be present, listen to their individual needs, don't sugar coat anything, and lead by example. If they see that you are okay and working towards being okay, then I think they will fair well too.

Hope that helps.

Blu