Like you I am new to these boards and to this process of DBing.
I have been separated from my husband for one year and asked him to leave our home after I learned of his infidelity. I actually filed for D in May of this year hoping it might put fear in him that if he didn't change I would leave him. I can say that nothing in regard to the D has happened, meaning no other paperwork on his end has been filed. But, we also have not made progress in anything....just stuck in this limbo.
I am so new here and to this process that I don't feel like I am in a position to give anyone advice, but what I have learned is that I have to stop doing things for him, or to get a response out of him. I am learning....very slowly I might add....that I need to do things to make me better and hope that by me becoming better there is a chance that we can become better. I took a long look at myself and didn't like the person I was, so how in the world would my H like me? It's been very hard GAL and doing things for me but I'm doing it.
Well, you probably already know you shouldn't have moved out, so I won't belabor that point.
However, you need to find a point of consistency - are you going to sign the divorce or not? Your WAS is following a pretty consistent path - find some OM that "needs" her, because he has no job, clearly mental issues, etc. I can tell you from experience that delusional state for your W can last for months, maybe more than a year, and on and on, who knows how long.
The real question here is - how are you making yourself better? "Winning her back" is completely wasted effort because you CAN'T do that. The only thing you can do is be the best person you can be - and perhaps, that's enough for her to want to be the best person she can be, and heal your marriage.
So your only focus should be on being the best you. Period.
Thank you, this was the advice that felt like it hit home to me the most. I do regret moving out because I felt like it gave her validation to take the A from EA to PA.
The divorce was filed about 2 months ago, with one month left.
My wife and I are still separtated, but she has left the other man, and blocked all contact with him. She now states that she is willing to try to work on our marriage to see if there is anything left and if her feelings come back. She has told me she does not love me, which is not a suprise as she told me for some time now. But she wants to see if there are any feelings left(the spark is gone in her words). I told her that she must decide if she wants to be with me, and if she does want to make it work, that those feelings can eventually come back naturally.
We are going to see how the next month goes, and if things seem to be going okay, we will cancel the divorce proceedings. She and I both understand that the love will not come back in one month, and our problems will not be solved in that time either.
We have been spending time together, and I have even stayed at her new apartment overnight twice. Nothing sexual has happened, and we have not kissed. I don't want to pressure her into anything so I have not tried, and have told her I would like her to make the first move for kissing etc so there is less stress and pressure on the relationship.
I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how we should proceed. I've mentioned counseling but she is starting her own counseling this week and says she wants to wait until she has a few sessions of solo counseling before we talk about marraige counseling. She admits that she has some mental issues that she wants to go back on medication if she is diagnosed with a mental disorder(previously on ssri). And she wants counseling to help her out, as she doesnt know what she wants out of life and is depressed.
Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this situation? We had an emotional talk tonight, and her fear is that if the feelings don't come back, it will be hard for me to accept that and it will be the inital split all over again, which was very hard for both of us due to me not wanting the divorce or split.
If anyone has any questions for me, I'll do my best to clarify my situation. She seems to be genuine that she wants to be absolutely sure our problems can't be worked out. The reason she stopped loving me was I was too focused on work/other things in life and I negleted her and didn't show her enough attention. I admit that I was wrong, and I'll do anything to win back her trust and affection, and she knows that it is very hard for me to trust her after the affair.
I asked her if she would want to be with me if our marriage was better and we were both happy and she said yes, she would want that. She mainly wants to be happy, even with the other man she wasn't happy in her life, I believe because of depression. But she admitted she was with him because it was simple and no stress, she didn't see their relationship going anywhere, it was just to have someone take her out and keep her company. As hard as it is to accept, I can forgive her for that, but trust will take some time.
I really just need advice as this is my only chance to save my marriage, and I cannot mess this up. Please help me however you can.
We are going to see how the next month goes, and if things seem to be going okay, we will cancel the divorce proceedings. She and I both understand that the love will not come back in one month, and our problems will not be solved in that time either.
So, if you both know that love/problems won't be fixed in that short of time, then why that time limit?
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her fear is that if the feelings don't come back, it will be hard for me to accept that and it will be the inital split all over again, which was very hard for both of us due to me not wanting the divorce or split.
Honestly, this sounds like she is setting you up...sort of getting you used to the ide. I know, because mine did the same thing. Be strong for yourself, not her.
As far as saving your marriage, there is nothing really you can do. Just work on yourself and love her. However, you MUST learn how to love her from a distance. No lovey talk. Nothing.
Work on yourself. FOR YOU. Not her. Not anyone else, but you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just wanted to post a quick update for you guys. Things have been going well, she has actually wanted to spend time with me for the past few weeks and has admitted during therapy that she feels the attraction that brought us together in the first place. Our main issue was we didn't make time for each other, when we were spending time together, we were happy. We both know that in order for things to work in the future, we cannot let ourselves slip back into the old habits and not make time for each other.
She gave my ring back last night, and we are talking about withdrawing the divorce proceedings so we don't have any unneeded stress on our relationship with time limits or restrictions.
I'm cautiously optimistic about our future right now, I don't want to set myself up for future hurt, but on the same level, I need to have trust in her actions that she is willing to commit to our future now.
