Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Surfer]

Woke_Up

From my perspective, it should never have got to this point.

Agreed. But don't beat yourself up. what ever you did she was going to be in a different room. My W tried to literally kick me out of bed. "Either you go sleep elsewhere or I will". I told her "I paid for this bed (bought it from my first house - "good Old Thrifty Surfer" (he he), if you want to be in separate rooms jog on." She even tried ripping the duvet off me to take it - needless to say, Surfer is pretty good on the old tug of war!! Again, "jog on". I'm not proud of this interaction, you will have had similar, but nothing you can do will change them when they are in this (my W was having an EA also). She stayed in the loft room with a nice en-suite for 2.5 years living like "The Mad Aunt in the Attic". The room resembled that of a teenage girl, dirty clothes and makeup all over. Bed rarely changed. When she finally went the cleaners would not touch it. It took me half a day to clean the en-suite!!!

So, do not fret over this. You are where you are and you are protecting your D by being there. However, you need to set boundaries. She needs to know what you will not tolerate and you need to stand up for yourself. All in good time though. First avoid conflict let things settle and read. I don't recommend boundaries until you fully understand them. V is brilliant at this and will help if you ask. The Verbally Abusive Relationship book will help you here.

Surfer.