Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Surfer]

Last night it was a bad day that triggered a mini spew - whiny D, illness and anxiety that day. Initially it was thank god you're back, I need help, but soon it was criticism of voice I was using with daughter - why are you using a baby voice too, speak to her like an adult, etc. All this in front of D. ( I had been trying to distract D with her toys, funny voices etc, to break her out of her whinge, you know how kids are). I did react mildly, initially, but did get W to go downstairs once D was ready for bed so she could relax. I could then read story, get D to sleep.

This is just normal life. Tired Mum, good Dad. She is poking you to get a rise. She is anxious. I don't know why, neither do you. You never will and she most likely will never share her true feelings with you on this. I think your answer lies somewhere in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" book. It could be medically based. It might, at present, be addiction anxiety, pre-occupied with a 'need to get a fix of OM' or a 'need' to let go at you. Either way. Just do not engage.

You will see this is the main point of my advice at this stage. I have lived exactly what you have been through. I know it intimately as do many others here. You need to develop skills to detach from her when spew happens. This means seeing and hearing her but not feeling her emotions. I was trying to think last night of the best way to describe how this works - I didn't spend too long clearly but I came up with this, it does the job:

You are standing at the checkout, too middle senior ladies are there. One accidentally bumps into the other with her shopping trolley. An argument ensues. Its heated and its got come venom. But you know there will be no danger. It's just venom. You observe. Inside it's even mildly amusing but you don't show that. You are more kind of "this is just a sad way to behave". You listen and are objective about what they say as a person within reach". You leave and go about your day and think nothing more of it (at this stage, the argument has stopped, is ongoing or one of the ladies is being cuffed and scuffed only floor by the local militia). Try and picture a way of observing your W when she pokes you (this is "rage foreplay" - recognise it decline it) or even goes Victim - don't Rescue, validate "that sounds hard etc"(Windsor Davies inside). Also, if one of the old ladies invited you into the debate what would you do? Decline! (see Let's you and Him Have a Fight - "Games People Play" by Eric Berne).

Surfer.