Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Surfer]

RE: Tiredness.

Spot her trigger times. If its tiredness or struggling to cope, it will (most likely) be the case that she has a hair trigger first thing in the morning and last thing at night. IMO, avoid all comms in the morning. Just get the routine done. this way you make sure the kids are protected.

IDK if you W works? Does she/you what are your jobs. Are they stressful? Rather than pursue her during the day, you could let her know (just once clearly, at the appropriate time) that you know anxiety is hard to deal with and whilst you don't fully understand how she feels she can call you at work if things feel on top of her. I am in two minds about this as she might just use this to spew. But my experience is that there are certain times in the day when an anxious and angry WW will be very much able to talk. My W was good just after leaving work. Seemed to have that teenage happiness of leaving school for the day... (perhaps thats telling!).

I would be functional at home until the kids are in bed and get your exercise in for 20 mins then (or in the morning - you may need both at times). Make it CV - run, swim or light CV and weights IMHO. This will fortify you.

Evenings are the trickiest. I would avoid her totally personally if possible and certainly until the kids are in bed and fast asleep. Particularly D4. You do not want her hearing any shouting at all or SS16. It frightens small children. They can recover but it does scar them. You must be the adult here where your W is not. If W comes to talk in the evening, she will start of in Victim mode most likely. you will go Rescuer and she will push you into Victim and them turn Persecutor (Drama Triangle). You need to spot such patterns in conversation, and exit them. It's the only way out. You can't win at this game. If she spews listen to the point it may become audible for the kids and say something like "I am listening to you, but you are starting to shout. I don't think its a good idea to frighten the kids and I am sure you don't want that too. Let's leave this for now." if she continues. Just say "Stop". I can't help you tonight. If you can talk calmly, "I will listen (and I am), but when you escalate like this, it's no good for them, you or me". "I am happy to listen tomorrow if you want to talk." Repeat until fade. Please note, this may not work at all in the way you think it will. You W may rage against not being able to rage. She may feel more isolated - IDK, mine did. But I know it protected my kids and set boundaries in terms of my own self respect. I would do it again. You need to make up your mind though. Move, 180, test etc. Give it a go.

Surfer.