Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

Okay. Read your sitch. I am ready for the update. I imagine it will be more of the same. Some quieter some more crazy. Are you seeing a pattern in her normal, stress, crazy type behaviours?

Have you noticed what triggers the changes?

Surfer

I will need to pay attention.
So far, triggers are hormonal - always throughout our R, she suffers from bad PMS, which displays as anger, aggression, conflict, verbal abuse.

During pregnancy it was x10 and we nearly split at one point. However this is now all my fault for not being understanding to her during pregnancy. I know I made mistakes, but bloody hell, it was a no win sitch at times.

Other triggers include tiredness, lack of sleep, illness - she takes meds for anxiety and depression, which triggered in Jan 2016. The cause for anxiety was triggered by external events, but also due to different opinions on some elements led to distance and conflict between us, which led her to find like minded people on social media, which led her unintentionally into EA (I paraphrase her words). She has accused me of driving her to it, although she acknowledges this is not entirely true usually. Yes, my issues are part of the problem with our R, I have accepted, acknowledged, validated that.

Last night it was a bad day that triggered a mini spew - whiny D, illness and anxiety that day. Initially it was thank god you're back, I need help, but soon it was criticism of voice I was using with daughter - why are you using a baby voice too, speak to her like an adult, etc. All this in front of D. ( I had been trying to distract D with her toys, funny voices etc, to break her out of her whinge, you know how kids are). I did react mildly, initially, but did get W to go downstairs once D was ready for bed so she could relax. I could then read story, get D to sleep.

I also suspect that what is going on in her EA can impact her and cause her to spew, although this is conjecture on my part, and as I am working on not snooping, I will not know this. I have seen what I would classify as classic manipulation on the part of the EAP - professions of undying love, I know you would never hurt me, loving you is like breathing, etc etc. I also learned about limerance at this point, and gained a better understanding of what is happening to WW and why I cannot do anything to break her out of it.

Certainly an addictive element to some behaviours. Rage, make up, repeat. I also definitely saw that when I blocked her Skype connection and she was going through withdrawal from being able to contact EAP.

When upset, her go to response is conflict.

I need to detach and observe more. One thing that was pointed out a few years ago, when I was doing the task oriented thinking training, was that I tend to miss things, by not attentively listening, as my mind is racing ahead and trying to think of responses 2 or 3 moves in the future. By doing this I miss the importance of what is being said in the now and the other person assumes I am not taking them seriously or listening at all.

I am trying to focus on attentive listening & validation.