So question for the LBS's. My H is being a little more "open" with his feelings and some things I just don't know how to answer. I understand time is probably the only thing that can help some of this, but I would like some feedback.
1) H opened up last night and told me he wanted this to work, but he will never be able to forget or forgive what I did to him. I have no expectations of forgiveness, but I don't know what to say when he says he'll never be able to forget and forgive. I'm assuming this is how most LBS feel in the beginning? I usually just tell him, "I get that and I know its going to take some time, but just to take it one day at a time. If he wants to move forward with me, then we have to start working together on our relationship." That it doesn't mean I'm asking him to move on and forget this ever happened, but to just take each day as a new day to learn and grow together. He can only see the "now" though. He says time isn't going to change anything. He'll never forget that night.
2) Is it fair for H to put things on me that didn't happen? This is another one of those instances that I don't know how to respond to. Most of you know the story now, that I was caught talking to this OM on the phone. H says he could tell from the conversation that had I not opened the door and seen him there that OM and I would have had phone sex. The thing he heard that gives him that impression is that he heard me say "what would we be doing if you were here?" Filling in the backstory...I had only been talking a few days with this guy via text and it was for the most part stupid talk about ourselves. We never sent each other pics, we never talked about sex or each other's body parts. There were the probes like his text saying "Wish I was the one there with you. We'd be having fun"....fun being the operative word. That night on the phone, that is where the conversation was when I opened the door to find my H standing there. So he is treating this like I did have phone sex and also says that if I didn't get caught, I would have hooked up with this guy within a week. While I am NOT making excuses for my behavior with this guy and never ever should have been talking to him in the first place, my mind never went to having sex with OM. I never even "planned" on talking to him on the phone. Not blaming alcohol, but I had been drinking and stupidly told him that he could call me if he wanted. Dumb dumb dumb, I know, but I wasn't planning things with this guy. They spiraled out of control a lot faster than I had time to plan. I don't know what to tell H or how to convince him that I didn't and still don't want to hook up with this guy, that it was all for the attention. The night after the incident, he got really drunk and called his best friend. First thing out of his mouth was "well, she's been screwing other guys." I told him within ear shot of his friend, that he had the right to tell his friend what happened, but he needed to be honest about it. I have NEVER screwed any other guy. Its just frustrating. I never went to physical contact with OM in my mind, but I also never planned on talking to him on the phone, so me telling H that I never would have hooked up with this guy just becomes null and void.
3) OM is a trainer at a gym. My H is feeling pretty down on himself right now, especially after I emasculated him by telling OM about our personal intimate issues. He has no confidence in himself and I am trying to build that. I told him that the hottest man in the world could be standing right in front of me and yeah I'm going to think and maybe even say this guy is hot, but that I could never love or look at him the same way I do my H. The way I look at my H is so much different than any other man because we've over the years became one. No guy can compete with that regardless of how "hot" they are. He kept saying last night, "look if you want something else or someone else, just go." I told him that if I wanted something or someone else, I would have used this opportunity to get out, but I'm still here and always will be.
