As hard as this is, this is the time in life to course correct. You have things about yourself that you don't like, as we all do. Now is the time to look at those and truly work on them. Become the person you want to be. Make your changes genuine for you, not to woo her back. It's hard to do and it takes time and perseverance.
As for the r? From what I hear what you're doing currently, is not bringing you the results/kind of relationship you want. Doing the same things will bring the same (bad) results. So, it's best to refrain from reasoning with her, talking about the r, guilting her into being a proper mother, talking about her going out, etc. Changing this about yourself will change the dynamic. If we know we fight dirty we have to retrain ourselves to walk away before it ever comes to that.
In my opinion? I think you need some time and space away from her, too. Overall, this sounds like an exhausting situation for you. You are so enmeshed in the current patterns you have no idea that you're in this loop. For example, the pattern is: when you go out you end up fighting and she flirts in front of you. That sounds like an awful way to spend the night. Is it better to have an awful night but be "with her" or is it better to go to a movie or a nice dinner by yourself and have a peaceful night?
Try to let go a bit. The more you hold on to her the more she will rebel. Take this time to figure yourself out.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
