Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[PsySara]

I don't know guys, I just want this pain to end. How long can you be in a marriage where the other person treats you like sh*t? He is acting like the victim here, as if I was the one who cheated and should just beg and plead for him to stay. Part of me just wants this to be over. I look at my children and feel overwhelming guilt that I chose this man to be their father. This unbelievably selfish and immature @sshole.

So I just piled on mistakes today. I broke a HUGE DBing rule and I don't even know why. I went to his job and texted him I was in the lobby and just wanted to stop by. Of course this had the opposite effect I desired, he texted back for me to go home and rest, he'd see me tonight. This is like the utter opposite of detaching, no? I wish I had never met him, I wish I had never carried his children. Now I am stuck with this remorseless cheater who feels zero remorse or accountability for his actions. For some reason my heart feels shattered, it's like I am back at square one. How do you teach your heart to stop feeling? How do I view this man, the father of my children (the person I thought, erroneously, was my soulmate) with no feeling? Why can't I just walk away and tell him to go to hell? Why do I spin? I used to be so centered, so whole, now I feel like a shadow of myself. I keep trying to find myself but I keep falling on my face.

Today I have felt that out-of-control rage followed by heartbreak...then the rage bubbles up again. I want a husband who I can trust and love, not this impostor.