Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Surfer]

Wake_Up

Be careful with this:

it's good to know that I'm not alone, that others have been through very similar things, and have come out the other side.

None of us really get out of the other side unless we fully reconcile (past piecing). This, in my view, is rare in some circumstances. With yours there appears to be no violence, or PA's. You may be lucky, but don't count on it. My sitch has been going on got years and living separate. W still calls to spew, you just have to learn how to manage the R.

RE: leaving the room. If she is spewing and kids are hearing, unless she calms when you sit and listen, get out. It's the kids that need protecting too. Its a tricky balance. I sued to make sure I tried to prevent W going 'weapons hot' until after bed. Even then I used to avoid so they did not get woken up. You need to make every interaction positive. Bad interactions don't allow positive ones and it will be the positive interactions that help. That being said, listening, validating etc to help calm her and let her know you are hearing her will help. It's a fine balance (listen and validate or exit) only you will know what to do when it's trial and error. You need to see this as an experiment (try this, does it work, change and try something else, does it help....etc).

Main thing right now is find space do not disagree with her, listen when you can, she will tell you what is going wrong for her. If you disagree with her and justify your actions, she will put her wall up higher. Just listen and agree where you can or don't, just say you understand.

Sorry but when a Spouse hits this path, it's almost like they are another person, but perhaps its kind of easier to see them as mentally damaged. I don't mean pity them, run around them, but be kind - don't have confrontations, don't criticise, don't hover around them or eggshell walk. If she starts spewing/raging try picturing not giving a sh!t in your mind - but listen (I like the Windsor Davies Video - google "windsor davies, oh dear, how sad never mind". It just makes you smile a bit inside to stop being freaked out by the madness when the spew is on the boil!

That's enough for now. I am going to sit and read your sitch now.

Keep posting. The more you post the more we see how you both interact and possible most importantly, what traits your W has. It kind of helps to diagnose what is going on so advice for you can be better targeted.

Remember - keep calm, cool and no R talk/OM talk from you etc.

Surfer.