Kat- thank you for that! I really needed to hear that, I am able to love again, not only him, even his child, and most importantly, it taught me I could love someone else while loving MYSELF. The self component was also lost in other relationships, especially with my ex. I have been trying, and I have been stubbing my toe, because I was told I need to try and it isn't just going ot fall into my lap. Well, now I am ready for it to come to me. When it does, I'll nurture it, but I am not going to try so hard anymore. We've both got this kat, we just need to keep the faith.
Betsey!!!!! It is so good hear from you, I was afraid you fell off the earth, boy can I hear you on that political thing.
You sure have had a rough go around this time of year. I know many of us had, and it doesn't carry the same innocence anymore. My mom was a non-practicing Jew who would refuse to participate in anything Christmas growing up. My dad tried to give me the best experience on his own, we had out own traditions, but with my mother's illness/addiction, she wanted nothing to do with anything. I remember pleasing with her to help decorate the tree and she just didn't want to and would go in her room and read a book. So, no matter how much I despise it, I try to give it to my D the best I can. But I do give myself the permission to jut not like this time of the year. I thought there might be some revival with the birth of my daughter, but we got one Christmas together when she was first born, and every one of her life has been and will be split thereafter. My D began telling me all about how she needs to sleep on the airmatress because OWW's and her whole family will be sleeping over on Christmas eve to morning. I never ever do it anymore, but I had to tell D9 to stop describing everything to me. I said it in a sweet way and she understood. I couldn't listen anymore. The thought of OWW's family watching MY daughter's excitement on when she see's what Santa brought her, probably on the last year she will believe, hurt me too bad. Angered me.
I hit pretty deep yesterday with my IC. I let out frustration and anger I had towards a particular situation. I realized I had become angry again, and emotion I hadn't felt in a long time. Angry at situations. Angry at other people's choices. Sad for other people going through some really rough times they didn't ask for.
See, on losing myself, "growing up" on these boards has colored my perception of marriage, commitment, and happiness. These boards preach what is the opposite of happening in our society right now. it's simply the truth. The expectations out of marriage and commitment is not what it used to be. People want more more more. Are willing to sacrifice and hurt others at the risk of finding this unicorn. It really is just what reality is now. Maybe there are more demands financially, in our work lives, in out parenting lives to make being happy and staying with one partner too difficult, I don't know. I guess meeting these demands are not fulfilling.
But really, the problem is, I believed a lot of what these boards preached. healing between marriages and relationships, not jumping right in to the next, taking time to healing and getting to know themselves, doing inner work to figure out what we from ourselves and in a partner and in a committed relationship. learning what our needs and expectations are, evaluating them, seeing if they are obtainable and sustainable.
But truth be told, it really doesn't work that way anymore. And I feel committed to principles in a society that doesn't. (Hey, Zues!). I am an old soul in a modern world. It's known I have dated a few DB'ers. Even though it didn't work out, maybe it was because we clicked on values. I felt like these men were the ones who were on the same length and understood everything we had gone through on a deep level and that's where I fostered that intimacy (ex-NG was not a DB'er, although, friends with some)
So, I think this is where I lost myself. Watching everyone around me do the opposite of DB preaches and wondering if maybe I should go that way. If I should feel that way. If I'm the one waiting for the magical unicorn. If there is something wrong with me, because I can't transfer feelings so easily or let go or know when to throw in the towel.
That was a whole lot of rambling, and who knows if any of that makes sense. But it has been something I have been struggling with big time. My IC told me not to let go of my values. So that was reassuring.
I miss you Bets. We definitely need to catch up and vent, and BS, and laugh. I am sure your D22 is so excited to come home and all that decoration will make it that much more special, even though we might say "bah-humbug"
