Cheated and need advice

[pitiful]

That all sounds like good stuff. Your choice to not drink for a while is also symbolic of you trying to improve yourself. Could you go talk to my ww?

Haha, Jug, I would if I could. Is she getting counseling on her own? I went and read the first several pages of your story. I am going to go and read more today so I can understand your situation more. You've been a huge encouragement to me and I really appreciate it. I hope I can be some kind of help and encouragement to you too.

[pitiful]

I know things might still rollercoaster

Its not a 'might'...they will. And probably today/soon. Ive noticed that in general when someone opens up, its usually pretty quickly followed by a large step in the other direction. I hope not, but be watchful and prepared. This is not a process that goes linearly forward - stay strong through the down times.

Yes, they will. I don't know if its because of the stuff he has going on at work that he needs to lean on me at this time, but I'm glad that he is reaching out and feels like he still can. I wanted to hug him so bad last night and when I said that...he said no, but I did put my hand on his and he didn't flinch or pull it away. I'm just going to keep working on myself with little to no expectations, but still hold on to some hope.

[Jug]

That all sounds like good stuff. Your choice to not drink for a while is also symbolic of you trying to improve yourself. Could you go talk to my ww?

Haha, Jug, I would if I could. Is she getting counseling on her own? I went and read the first several pages of your story. I am going to go and read more today so I can understand your situation more. You've been a huge encouragement to me and I really appreciate it. I hope I can be some kind of help and encouragement to you too.

I'm so drawn to your story because you are doing what I wish my ww were or will be doing. Just sharing your feelings is inspiring. Even if it's not, I'm happy to encourage people here who want to help themselves because most of us are suffering and really get it. Reading my story may give you some hope that your husband will want to work things out.

[AndrewP]

Mme P - I am very proud of you. You are showing strength and determination in a troubled time.

For transparency there's a free app that I use with my adult children called Life360. Officially it's so that if I go on a hike and get eaten by bears that they can at least find my phone It's great that at a glance we can all see where each of us is and a history of where we've been. You also have the option of turning off location sharing which my D24 did until she got a new puppy and started walking it each day.

Ideally if W ever comes back we as a family will have this as a "normal" thing and she will participate too. You might want to consider proactively doing this for "safety" reasons at the very least.

Keep up the good work. We're all rooting for you.

[sandi2]

Can you tell us more about your H's behavior in past years? It would be very helpful if we knew more about the MR before anything with OM ever happened. Is your H acting out of character, or is his reaction pretty close to his usual behavior toward you when he's upset?

I may not have explain transparency well. I often try to cover too much in one post, and not explaining in more detail. You cannot be 100% transparent, okay? And, he is absolutely correct that you could find ways around it, if you chose to do it. If he doesn't want you being transparent, then leave him alone about it. Don't mention it again. Just bear in mind that he can check your messaging, etc., if he wants to see for himself. For goodness sake, call your mother or anyone else you want (except some other guy). Stop behaving as though you are guilty of something, when you are not guilty. That is not transparency, and you are just digging your M grave deeper. Nobody should live their life the way are trying to do right now, and once you start......what happens when you stop? What will he think then? See what I mean? And following a specific transparency plan is not intended for the rest of your life. The idea for the rest of life, is not to have secret relationships apart from your H.

We cannot always prove our innocence in something, especially when there is no way to back up what we claim. When you can't prove or account for your whereabouts, don't stress out about it. Currently, you have overboard in trying to prove something he is not willing to accept. You are placing yourself in another unhealthy position by trying to prove to him that you are home, when he's left you for five hours to go party! That is nuts! You are trying to figure out how to contact your mother without him suspecting the worst? That is exactly how you end up trapping yourself.......by covering some innocent action/behavior and the end results make you appear to be guilty. Do you understand what I'm saying? Go call your mother, and if he walks in and sees you.....don't sweat it. If you are not guilty, then stop worrying about what he will do/think. If he is not willing to tell you what to do to help him trust you again, then stop fretting. That just makes you look unattractive, IMHO.

Why would he go out to GAL and leave you home alone? You are home alone, stressed out, and sending him photos of the clock every half hour.....and instead of going to the house, he offers suggestions of how OM could have gone there? Look, if he was very worried, why didn't he just go home instead of being out all night? Sure doesn't sound like the actions of the typical LBH that is found around here. Have you noticed the type of responses they have given you about how they wish their WW would do what you are willing to do? I got the same kind of posts when I first came to the board. The H's back then are just like the ones here today, who desperately want to see just a little act of hope from their WW. They talk about how crushed, devastated, heartbroken, even suicidal they felt upon learning of their W's actions. For some, their first response was anger. But I don't remember any H reacting to their WW's willingness to work at transparency and saving the M in the same manner your H is showing. Perhaps they intentionally left that part out.....IDK. I just know you have to immediately stop behaving like some scared little mouse that runs from her own shadow.

Go about your business and daily life. Stop sweating the traffic, and go shopping, go to the salon or whatever else you normally would do. Just cut out anything that would appear as flirtatious behavior, or that would suggest you have something to hide.

[RAI]

Hi Pit,

More LBS perspective. It is not what you did that defines you. It is how you respond to and grow from your mistakes. At least you are showing remorse. This is an important first step. That said, you need to lower your expectations. it will take much longer than a week or two for your H to heal from the emotional damage you inflicted on him. As has been said before, you need to give your H a LOT of time and space. If you truly want to save your M (only you know what you are willing to sacrifice for your M), be as transparent as humanly possible and patient with him. Try as you might to empathize, you cannot possibly imagine the magnitude of the emotional pain you have caused him.

My WW never showed remorse and never cared much for helping me heal. You may be different, I suggest the following book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
If you are truly serious about repairing your M and doing the work, then you will find this book helpful.

Good luck, and never do that to another human again.

Best,

RAI

[pitiful]

Can you tell us more about your H's behavior in past years? It would be very helpful if we knew more about the MR before anything with OM ever happened. Is your H acting out of character, or is his reaction pretty close to his usual behavior toward you when he's upset?

No, this is pretty close to his normal behavior when he's upset. Obviously we've never been in this situation before so its hard not to take what he says or how he acts to heart. In the past, I've just learned to walk away/leave the house for a little bit. Later on, I usually get a text when I'm still out apologizing for it. In this situation, I cant just "leave", but I have been walking away. Last night we were "talking" and he started saying things just to get to me. I walked away, went and took a shower and started going to bed. He came in and said "why are you mad? You don't get to be mad." I told him I don't mind talking to him, but if he's going to say things just to get to me, I'm not standing around listening to it. That kind of helped. He apologized and asked me to come back out and talk.

For goodness sake, call your mother or anyone else you want (except some other guy). Stop behaving as though you are guilty of something, when you are not guilty. That is not transparency, and you are just digging your M grave deeper. Nobody should live their life the way are trying to do right now, and once you start......what happens when you stop? What will he think then? See what I mean?

Yes, I'm slowly getting this. Of course, in the beginning, I felt like I deserved whatever he said or did and had to prove myself. I was grasping for ways to do that. Things have "calmed down" some. I still check-in when I feel its necessary, but I'm not freaking out or going out of my way anymore to prove myself. I talk to my mom and best friend. He doesn't keep my phone on him anymore, mainly because he says he doesn't want to live like that...worrying and wondering all the time. Honestly, we've had our issues in the past and they've been no secret, so I think he's felt that reaching out to my mom or best friend, they were going to convince me that he "forced" me into doing what I did, which they haven't done. They've been very supportive of both of us without sugar coating things. I think that was the main reason for his freak out.

Why would he go out to GAL and leave you home alone? You are home alone, stressed out, and sending him photos of the clock every half hour.....and instead of going to the house, he offers suggestions of how OM could have gone there?

He didn't want to go out to his work party that night. He had to for appearance sake since he's a manager. He also didn't want me at the party because he said it would ruin his night. I was kind of stuck in limbo because all of it was so fresh and I was in my desperate stage of trying to prove that I wasn't trying to contact this guy.

Thanks for your direction and input!

[pitiful]

Hi Pit,

More LBS perspective. It is not what you did that defines you. It is how you respond to and grow from your mistakes. At least you are showing remorse. This is an important first step. That said, you need to lower your expectations. it will take much longer than a week or two for your H to heal from the emotional damage you inflicted on him. As has been said before, you need to give your H a LOT of time and space. If you truly want to save your M (only you know what you are willing to sacrifice for your M), be as transparent as humanly possible and patient with him. Try as you might to empathize, you cannot possibly imagine the magnitude of the emotional pain you have caused him.

My WW never showed remorse and never cared much for helping me heal. You may be different, I suggest the following book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
If you are truly serious about repairing your M and doing the work, then you will find this book helpful.

Good luck, and never do that to another human again.

Best,

RAI

Thank you, RAI. I'll look into it.

[pitiful]

I know things might still rollercoaster

Its not a 'might'...they will. And probably today/soon. Ive noticed that in general when someone opens up, its usually pretty quickly followed by a large step in the other direction. I hope not, but be watchful and prepared. This is not a process that goes linearly forward - stay strong through the down times.

And just like that it took a dive last night just like you said...then went back up. He was still being a little more talkative than he had been, instead of completely ignoring me. I took this as a chance to reach out a little more. I got my soup last night and sat on a different couch but in the same room with him watching tv. He was watching stuff about Anthony Weiner and all that. I'm sure you know the story about him cheating on his wife several times. Anyway, I never should have sat in the room with him. He used Weiner's story to say "see what happens when you're a POS?" I didn't say anything, just finished my soup then went to the room. Its starting to become a ritual, he came in the room later and wanted to talk again. He said he wishes he could talk to me about stuff like before. I told him he could, like we did last night...and there it was. He regretted it. He got ugly after that and it really hurt so I went to the room and couldn't hold back the tears. He came back in and said I was acting like the victim. I told him I wasn't the victim and I know I did this to us, but it doesn't make things he says or our situation any easier. Then we talked til midnight again. I don't know. I'll finish this conversation in my next post since I was going to talk about H and I's convo last night to get some advice. In short, you were right, it is going to be a bumpy ride.

[pitiful]

So question for the LBS's. My H is being a little more "open" with his feelings and some things I just don't know how to answer. I understand time is probably the only thing that can help some of this, but I would like some feedback.

1) H opened up last night and told me he wanted this to work, but he will never be able to forget or forgive what I did to him. I have no expectations of forgiveness, but I don't know what to say when he says he'll never be able to forget and forgive. I'm assuming this is how most LBS feel in the beginning? I usually just tell him, "I get that and I know its going to take some time, but just to take it one day at a time. If he wants to move forward with me, then we have to start working together on our relationship." That it doesn't mean I'm asking him to move on and forget this ever happened, but to just take each day as a new day to learn and grow together. He can only see the "now" though. He says time isn't going to change anything. He'll never forget that night.

2) Is it fair for H to put things on me that didn't happen? This is another one of those instances that I don't know how to respond to. Most of you know the story now, that I was caught talking to this OM on the phone. H says he could tell from the conversation that had I not opened the door and seen him there that OM and I would have had phone sex. The thing he heard that gives him that impression is that he heard me say "what would we be doing if you were here?" Filling in the backstory...I had only been talking a few days with this guy via text and it was for the most part stupid talk about ourselves. We never sent each other pics, we never talked about sex or each other's body parts. There were the probes like his text saying "Wish I was the one there with you. We'd be having fun"....fun being the operative word. That night on the phone, that is where the conversation was when I opened the door to find my H standing there. So he is treating this like I did have phone sex and also says that if I didn't get caught, I would have hooked up with this guy within a week. While I am NOT making excuses for my behavior with this guy and never ever should have been talking to him in the first place, my mind never went to having sex with OM. I never even "planned" on talking to him on the phone. Not blaming alcohol, but I had been drinking and stupidly told him that he could call me if he wanted. Dumb dumb dumb, I know, but I wasn't planning things with this guy. They spiraled out of control a lot faster than I had time to plan. I don't know what to tell H or how to convince him that I didn't and still don't want to hook up with this guy, that it was all for the attention. The night after the incident, he got really drunk and called his best friend. First thing out of his mouth was "well, she's been screwing other guys." I told him within ear shot of his friend, that he had the right to tell his friend what happened, but he needed to be honest about it. I have NEVER screwed any other guy. Its just frustrating. I never went to physical contact with OM in my mind, but I also never planned on talking to him on the phone, so me telling H that I never would have hooked up with this guy just becomes null and void.

3) OM is a trainer at a gym. My H is feeling pretty down on himself right now, especially after I emasculated him by telling OM about our personal intimate issues. He has no confidence in himself and I am trying to build that. I told him that the hottest man in the world could be standing right in front of me and yeah I'm going to think and maybe even say this guy is hot, but that I could never love or look at him the same way I do my H. The way I look at my H is so much different than any other man because we've over the years became one. No guy can compete with that regardless of how "hot" they are. He kept saying last night, "look if you want something else or someone else, just go." I told him that if I wanted something or someone else, I would have used this opportunity to get out, but I'm still here and always will be.

Sorry so lengthy, just continuing the saga.