The fact that you are trying and proposing things to prove your whereabouts counts for so much for me. My ww sounds more like your h. Hang in there. I feel better about your situation than my own.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
One question I could ask y'all is about transparency. That came up in our conversation last night and he said there's no such thing because there's always a way around it. For example, he went to his work Christmas party Friday night and was gone for almost 5 hours. He had originally told me he wasn't going, but last minute he did which left me frantic trying to find a way to prove that I was home alone all night and not talking with this guy. I sent a picture with the time in it every 30 minutes. His thing is that the guy could have been in the house even though I took the picture. I was on the phone with my mom and bestfriend (different times) but for a total of over 3 hours. I cleaned, did his laundry..anything I could think of to prove I was there at the house. While I think he believes me, there's always a way around any of it. Every 30 minutes...ok....I could run down the street and check back in every 30. I don't know, he says its useless trying to be transparent in today's day and age with access to fake email and all that, but thats all I know to do at this point.
I hope you can see how ridiculous this is.
You had to PROVE you were HOME? He's right, theres no way to have total transparency. So at some point, it comes down to some level of trust. And thats something you will need to slowly earn back. I just dont think that sending a picture every 30 minutes and doing an extra ton of household chores is effective. What if you fell asleep for 30 minutes?
Be open and honest. Thats all you can do. If he asks for a password or to check something, then let him have at it. But I think going out of your way in this 'above and beyond' manner is too much - honestly, it screams like you are still guilty, you know?
The fact that you are trying and proposing things to prove your whereabouts counts for so much for me. My ww sounds more like your h. Hang in there. I feel better about your situation than my own.
Thank you for the encouragement. I know whatever I do will never be enough, but I'll keep trying. I really hope the best for your situation.
You had to PROVE you were HOME? He's right, theres no way to have total transparency. So at some point, it comes down to some level of trust. And thats something you will need to slowly earn back. I just dont think that sending a picture every 30 minutes and doing an extra ton of household chores is effective. What if you fell asleep for 30 minutes?
Be open and honest. Thats all you can do. If he asks for a password or to check something, then let him have at it. But I think going out of your way in this 'above and beyond' manner is too much - honestly, it screams like you are still guilty, you know?
Yea, I can see that too I guess. I'm slowly getting there...learning to "relax" some and know that whatever I do will never be enough right now, but just to do the best I can. I'm trying to be out-of-sight but present, if that makes sense. I come out and make breakfast or dinner, which he typically doesn't touch, then do stuff around the house and go read in my room if there isn't much else to be done. He just stays in the living room watching tv. I got a self-help book in the mail yesterday and he came in, threw it on the bed and said "nothing can change you from being a pos." Other than that, til later last night, he stays out and avoids me. I'm just trying to give him his space. I got out and did some grocery shopping the other day..so that was a plus lol. Felt nice to get out of the house for a minute, and not for work, and catch my breath. I guess I keep reading be as transparent as possible and be consistent. Those are the only things I have right now, so I'm probable overdoing it. Thanks for your advice!
Thanks. Again, your effort in trying to account for your whereabouts along with just being extra helpful is so much. When/if he settles down, you guys should talk about what he needs to feel ok. My ww has done less around the house and for our son since this mess started. Doesn't keep her from going out with friends and exercising...
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
You are accepting responsibility and have offered your sincere apologies. That doesn't minimize the hurt and skepticism from your husband. Healing from infidelity is hard and you need a map to help you rebuild trust and respect.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Well I don't know what today holds, but last night opened up a lot of hope. He actually sent me an email during the day about some stuff going on at work, which in and of itself is a breakthrough since he's been keeping me in the dark about a lot. Nothing much more til I got home that night. I went about my normal stuff, didn't try pushing or saying anything and he started a conversation. It was nothing about any of this, just stuff we have going on in an investment property, but it didnt stop there. He opened up to me about work and even when it got late and I said I should go to bed, he wanted me to stay up with him. I wanted to cry and jump up and down for joy, but I kept composed...until he walked out of the room haha. Another positive is that we had booked a trip with his brother for end of January. I figured at this point we, or at least I, wouldnt be going and that he'd already worked on transferring my ticket to someone else, but last night he asked what I'm going to tell them on vacation when I'm not drinking (since I've sworn it off...at least til I can handle myself and am in a good place.) So, he is still planning on me going. Just a really good night.
I know things might still rollercoaster, but that gave me hope. I have my counseling appointment tonight, so looking forward to seeing how that goes. I have to keep working on myself to keep this from happening again...and just to be a better, more grateful and appreciative wife.
That all sounds like good stuff. Your choice to not drink for a while is also symbolic of you trying to improve yourself. Could you go talk to my ww?
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Its not a 'might'...they will. And probably today/soon. Ive noticed that in general when someone opens up, its usually pretty quickly followed by a large step in the other direction. I hope not, but be watchful and prepared. This is not a process that goes linearly forward - stay strong through the down times.
