Moving on to the next phase

[ciluzen]

Hey, Pax!

Rollercoasters are supposed to be fun. This isn't fun, so I no longer use that analogy (I believe I'm smirking).

Its ok to wade through the memories, look back at the times your S made you feel beautiful, loved, cherished and then put your hands to your head and say, "hunh?!". It is him (mostly), not you. Stress, depression, aging all can cause someone to have a drawn-out fight or flight response. There is very little rational thought going on when this is going on.

When I started to understand this, I wondered how my H was able to function at work or with other people? Well, work became a focus and something to flee to. Other people (who didn't question him) became a means to escape as well. Me? I was the one who called him out on rotten behavior when his trying to have fun became selfish. I was the "responsibility". I became the symbol of all of the pressure and things that were causing him to feel unhappy. I was like the strict mom and dad during the teen years that he needed to rebel against because I was "smothering" him, not letting him have any fun. How many teens end up shouting "I hate you!" or "leave me alone!" to their parents who are just (in their heads) loving their child and trying to do what they feel is best?

It is confusing and heartwrenching for us. So, we need to just let that teen grow up. Let him leave the house. Let them go off to college or try to make his way in the real world without us there to judge their every action. We can then be empty nesters again and remember what life was like before kids and go live it again. We let them know that they can come home for holiday dinners, to do laundry, to "touch base" and feel the warmth of home. At some point that rebellious teen disappears and an adult (hopefully) takes his place. So, we let them go.

Its not us, Pax. Not totally. But we do need to look at ourselves at this time and change the things we don't like, or that we realize made a bad situation worse. We work on us and let them work on them. Sometimes it takes going all the way through the D for them to at first feel truly free of "our control" before they can breath and come off of the panic they had built up. To stop running or fighting. So, as Cadet has said, we are given the gift of time. That's for us. We get to work on us...without interference. We should let them do the same.

You can see in your cards and scrapbook that there was love. Let him go and understand that he needs to be alone right now. That will be the most loving thing you can do for someone, and do it without anger or bitterness. Who would want to return to that? Give him the gift of time. And be the lighthouse...the warmth and light of what was and what could be again.