Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Surfer]

Woke_Up,

Vanilla asked me to post. I have not fully read your sitch. It has many, many similarities to mine, but don't worry too much about reading that for now. Do what V said, send screen shots to cover your backside if you get a knock at the door from the police. My view is you will not. She will threaten you, but not carry out those threats mostly is my experience. I had threats of calling the police etc. Never happened - I don't even know what over TBH.

Some things.

1. For now, don't worry about where you sleep.

2. Do not engage with her at all. If she talks to you, listen, but STFU. If she starts to rage - exit.

3. Your job is to protect you and your kids from being expose to her rages. She will try to suck you in. This is so important. You must not engage at all - EVER. How? You can d what I did, look at her as mentally ill. Sad, lonely and lost. Do not fear her. No matter how frightening she looks. Just focus on keeping calm and looking normal - kind of in an almost 'so what or oh dear never mind way'. You must listen kindly but not be scared - this is very hard. But essential. If you need to understand anything right now google "the drama triangle" - watch a few videos on this. She will want you to persecute you - if she tries to sound upset (victim) etc, she will switch roles on you and and make your the victim. It's a game. Exit it if you fall into the trap (by leaving the room etc) or better still. Just don't engage.

4. Don't mention OM or contact at all and do not snoop.

5. Go for a 20 min run every day at the same time. This gives you both space and gives you time to sort your head. If you are not a runner, walk. Do it at the time you are usually strung out. It will also help you calm your emotions.

6. Do not drink, take drugs and if you can avoid it smoke. These will all stimulate anxiety in you.

7. Download a mindfulness app. They are free. Calm, Headspace etc there are others. Listen to these as often as you can to calm your mind.

8. Read all of the info. you are guided to on here.

You are now on a journey that is going to be hard. I am sorry. This is not your fault. Your W has some issues. Do not be hard on yourself. You did not cause this (I am not saying you are perfect - who is) you also can not stop it. Become super resilient. The guy that can take all the punches for you and kids. You need to do this until you feel steady on your feet - so Act As If. Be kind and be the lighthouse.

I will check in again. Stay strong. You will feel fear right now. Try to distance from it as much as possible. When you have done that you will feel calmer and you will see gaps in your W's fog. You will then see her intermittently and will be able to work on your R. This is going to be a bumpy ride. But you will all calm down again and you will be happy.

Surfer.