Manipulative behavior of a liar? Possibly. Or maybe he was sincere at the time, or THOUGHT he was. That's possible, too. Maybe he was rebounding and you came in at the wrong time. There are so many what-ifs there, that you really can't dwell on it.
Jeep74- I've been dwelling on it for far too long. I've made the decision to turn my focus around on myself to be the best me possible!
So most likely, when he married you, it FELT to him like marriage is forever, and you were everything to him. But when it stopped feeling that way, he no longer believed in it. Google "emotional reasoning."
ForGump- I think the stress of the last year certainly did this and changed the way he feels. I will read about emotional reasoning. Thanks!
one of this biggest things of hers was that she didn't condone cheating ...
IMHO people who talk the biggest game ... people who take the most vocal, strident positions ... they don't have a firm inner voice, and inner compass. They are so insecure about who they are inside and what they believe that they need yell out their positions, so they can hear themselves talk.
People who are more secure about themselves and their beliefs... they are more comfortable to admit to human frailties, to see gray areas in human relations, and not be threatened by them.
NMC -- yes, my W grew up w/ parents who had anger and self-control problems. She admits she feels emotionally abused by them, yet does not believe she needs treatment. I didn't realize the roots of her emotional problems until years into our marriage.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I've been dwelling on it for far too long. I've made the decision to turn my focus around on myself to be the best me possible!
Good for you! I like that mindset. Honestly, its the only thing we can do. I know, easy to say yet so very hard to do!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
IMHO people who talk the biggest game ... people who take the most vocal, strident positions ... they don't have a firm inner voice, and inner compass. They are so insecure about who they are inside and what they believe that they need yell out their positions, so they can hear themselves talk.
You know, I have thought about that for a long, long time. I won't go into my ex's back story as its all in my threads and entirely too long. What I have come up with is that I do feel that she is morally against cheating, but due to her past and her own insecurities, she gets caught up and overwhelmed, so-to-speak. She craves attention, and follows it into the very pits of hell.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
About 10 months before we got married, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He was only 58. 16 months after his diagnosis, he died.
2014-2015 was the hardest year of my life. I hadn't dealt with the death of a parent. My famlily relied on me heavily during my dad's illness to help with decision making and for directions. I was in another state for a large chunk of this time which only added to my stress.
During this time, I was obviously moody. I went from frustrated to angry to depressed to crying all the time. My husband didn't know how to be supportive and I didn't know how to ask for support. I took a lot of frustration out on him.
After my father passed away, things didn't improve with us. As I was mourning, this is when he was neglecting me. I would be so happy when he would come home and he would be cold. I would be sitting in the living room crying to myself while he sat in the office.
Yesterday, my husband came over to talk. He ended up not going to his friends party where his ex was going to be. During the course of our conversation, he focused a lot on how his needs and wants were put on the backburner as I dealt with my father's illness and death. He went so far to say "No wonder I didn't want to have sex with you, you were so angry!" He has told me a few times that I have been using the experience as an excuse for my bad behavior during this time (!!!!).
I'm a little shocked by these explanations and to be honest I feel like they are more excuses. Our intimacy and sexual problems started well before my father fell ill. The problem with his ex all pre-dated this.
I admitted to him yesterday that I did take out a lot of frustration out on him, and I'm sorry. I felt so weird apologizing for this. He's actually holding this against me. Where is his compassion and understanding?
At the end, I put out there what I would be willing to do and work on to move forward. He listened to this, but then didn't really reply. This coldness of his is just the worst. It leaves me feeling like a fool for being so open. I can admit my wrongdoing and give heartfelt apologies, but I don't get it in return.
At the end, he left saying he still doesn't know what to do. He may still want a divorce. I still feel this is all crazy. First of all, if he is going to hold my reactions during the hardest year of my life against me, he is not a good person. And if I can sit here and put all this out there, with a true willingness to work and move forward, and he still doesn't know, it tells me his love is not very strong.
He asks me how can he know the next time something bad happens I won't react the same way? I mean, couldn't my response be how could I know you won't contact your ex again? Nobody can know these things, but part of building trust is putting things out there and committing to working on it, isn't it?
+ morally against cheating + insecurities + gets caught up and overwhelmed + craves attention ______________________________________ = pits of hell
You just gave the formula for an unhealthy, unhappy adult life.
Most people grow their sense of self through childhood and teen years, most people learn to control their impulses during their childhood and teen years so they stay true to their moral principles, most people learn to appreciate deep relationships rather than flash-in-the-pan attention from new people.
But not all.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I'm a little shocked by these explanations and to be honest I feel like they are more excuses. Our intimacy and sexual problems started well before my father fell ill. The problem with his ex all pre-dated this.
That's because they are excuses. Remember how it is often said on here that they will look for ways to place the blame on us? Same thing here. Not your fault - never was.
Quote:
He asks me how can he know the next time something bad happens I won't react the same way? I mean, couldn't my response be how could I know you won't contact your ex again? Nobody can know these things, but part of building trust is putting things out there and committing to working on it, isn't it?
I think that is a brilliant response. May be just me, though. How do you know he won't contact - or still is - the ex?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
NMC, as I see it, every argument between a couple can devolve into the specifics: I-did-this then you-did-this and then I-did-this and you-did-this.
It's hard for us to know how awful and crazy you were to each other during your bad times.
The thing that makes or breaks a marriage is your willingness to work on it unconditionally, to put your marriage above all else. If he is not willing to do that ... it's not going to work.
You can't change where he is right now. I would focus on yourself, and be the best person you can be. Be the person he would be crazy to walk away from. Admit to all your own failings, but hold on to your boundary, that you will not tolerate his relationship with his ex.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
That's because they are excuses. Remember how it is often said on here that they will look for ways to place the blame on us? Same thing here. Not your fault - never was.
Yes. This is what he has been doing. So frustrating.
