Having lived this, I promise you that Job's most recent post to you is spot on.
And just to clarify, EVERYTHING = pressure to the MLCer. This includes asking her where she is going, asking where she has been, leaving voicemails, sending texts, asking when she'll be back, etc.
If you want to slow her down, as Job said your best chance is to do nothing and say nothing. Don't pass judgment (and she can read your body language). Completely stop reaching out to her. I am not saying he cold. I am saying be cordial when she talks to you but surface stuff.
In my opinion? Put all your energy into your kids as they must be asking questions/showing concern in all different ways based on their ages. Your littlest one may be clingy? Each one will have different needs based on age and personality.
The way I began to think was: I have to let the MLCer go. I have to focus on me and my kids. I have to teach my kids healthy coping skills so that this pattern does not repeat in their lives . . .
Keep posting. We are here to help.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sorry you are here. It's a bucket of suck. It is indeed a rollercoaster. I'm only a little bit ahead of you. I'm almost 1 year in.
2 months into her MLC, my W spent a week arguing with me to agree to an open marriage. I told her to file for D. She dropped the subject and just started having an affair anyway.
I've read elsewhere that the percentage of MLCers who have affairs are somewhere near 80%. You may have stopped her recent A, but she can just as easily start another. It's not hard to find someone of low standing whose willing to get involved with a married person. Don't be surprised if she's up to that again. How you feel about this may change daily. Most likely, the OP will be a "user or loser".
What really helped me was reading the stories of MLCers who've been through it and survived it. Search for posts by AmyC / Amy40, Wonka, mirage, and M Go Blue. Also, always listen to what job has to say.
My W filed for D in October. She came into the kitchen one evening and just said "I have paperwork for you" and handed me the notice. Everything in her presence - her voice, her posture, her spirit - felt like one big shrug. Everything emanating out of her being said "I don't know what else to do but this". The MLCer is overwhelmed with emotions and they want massive changes in their life. They think a D is some fast ticket to happiness.
If your W files in January - don't think it's the end. I read a story on another board about a MLCer who moved out and filed for a D. The W didn't yet figure out it was a MLC. She knew they had a good M and that the real problem was something was seriously wrong deep inside her H. She agreed to getting a D because it's what he really wanted and he pursued it so angrily. She signed the D papers and had her L send them to him. A month or two passed. She never heard back from her L, so she went to visit her H. She asked him when did he sign the D papers, and he reacted with a nasty smirk and told her he threw it in the garbage. After all he went through, he didn't do it.
Follow some threads and find topics or posters you can relate to. This is just like any other message board on the net, so remember you will hear from a real crabby pants now & again.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Thank you all for your replies. Almost makes me feel sane for a few minutes.
I am still working on detaching. I slip up and then hop back on the wagon. Im actually feeling a little stronger today. Im not sure if I am prepared to stand and wait it out. I admire everyone here who has and is doing that. I really think leaving would be so much easier. I flip flop on my decision about as much as she does.
You are very, very much sane. It's not you...it's her. She's dealing w/emotional baggage that happened a very long time ago and there's nothing you can do to stop her crazy train. The only thing you can do is be a good listener, be civil and continue to focus on you and your family. She needs to have a lot of time and space to figure things out and one more thing...there are plenty of patience shovels and STFU smoothies that are going around, especially this time of year.
Never, for one minute doubt your sanity. Your coaster ride is going to be just as emotional as hers and trust me, there are days that you are going to want to throttle her until her eyeballs roll on the flour. When you have those moments, find something physical to do, like boxing, the gym, running something that will take your mind off of what she's saying and doing.
No more relationship talks w/her and if she brings up the divorce again, just say "w, I'm sorry you feel that way. It's not something I want, but I'll not stand in your way" and then walk away.
She will try your patience and do things to try to bait you into arguments and getting angry...don't take the bait. The nicer and kinder you are to her, the better. Right now, she's not happy w/herself and the world around her...not your problem to fix. Grab a seat on the curb and join us to watch the parade zoom by. Sometimes we serve up popcorn, etc.
Ask question and definitely come here if you need to be talked down from doing something you'll later regret.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
LOL. Your the best, Job. I love the response to the divorce talk.
I may have screwed up yesterday. I asked her if she would like to go out tonight. She said sure. Usually ends up in a fight. Alcohol and MLC dont mix. Ill post tomorrow to let you know how it went.
So, you are going out for the evening...I would advise you to just be yourself, have fun and relax a bit. I would be careful in how much alcohol that you consume this evening, in fact, I would limit myself because it does tend to change the atmosphere when dealing w/a MLCer.
Listen to what she has to say, show interest in what she is saying and above all else validate what she says. If the relationship topic comes up, state that you prefer not to talk about it this evening and would prefer to table that conversation for another time.
Think back to when you first started dating her...this is where you need to begin, as friends.
Good luck and have the rubber band handy on your wrist to snap it if you start to feel like you want to argue or have relationship discussions. Snap that band and it'll help put your focus on the sting and not on saying something you'll regret later.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them. Sure, leaving might seem easier, but it isn't. Leaving just creates a different set of issues. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals and help you with flip flopping.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
We went out on Thursday night. She was the belle of the bar. Talking to any and everyone who would listen. Mostly older guys. She didnt speak to me alot even though we were sitting together. Night ended in an argument as they usually do.
went out for family shopping on Saturday. She lost her temper a few times over silly things. We got home and at 11 pm she decided she was gonna hit the bar. I decided she wasnt. I shamed her into not going which of course made her angry. Communication has been sparse. I havent been texting her except about the kids.
She spoke to my Mom for the first time today in over a month. My Mom told her she missed her and said she had found a marriage retreat that she wanted to send us on. Told my wife to think it over and she would call her tomorrow. Im pretty sure she is going to say no but worth a shot.
She is still saying she will file or do something in January, at least she dd on Saturday when I stopped her from going out. Only time will tell and I am not mentioning it.
I did make a mistake and tell her that if she was planning on leaving in January not to buy me anything for Christmas. She went out yesterday with my oldest D and was looking for things to buy me. Guess she doesnt want to look like an uncaring ass at Christmas.
Im sure I have broken a number of rules over the last few days. I did write her a letter but I never gave it to her and I am trying to detatch as much as possible.
Out of curiosity, have you read all the stuff on here about MLC? And if so, do you buy into it all? If you don't, why do you believe she is behaving this way?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
