Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 6)

[JRuss]

It just helps understand things about my personality and hers. I wish I'd found out about it earlier.

We talked for about 6 hours on Saturday. It was incredibly emotional. I told her pretty much everything I wanted to say, and she finally at least came close to telling me why this happened, what went on inside her, etc. We're going to divorce this summer. She's going to buy a house, and I'll keep the current house through S10's next school year, then sell it and account for her portion of the equity and find a new place. This will let the kids start to get used to shuttling while they aren't in school. I feel lighter somehow, like a weight I didn't even remember I was carrying has lifted. I can stop fighting and just breathe and love the kids.

[ForGump]

Oh man, JR!!!

Was she as emotional? Or mostly cold?

Why do you say she came "close to telling" you why it happened? How much did she admit to?

I'm glad you feel a weight lifted, but ... I know it must feel simultaneously crushing.

Hang in there, and take care of yourself.

[JRuss]

She was very emotional, too. I say "close to telling" just because I'm still not sure even she understands all of the "reasons" she fell out of love with me. Basically, as my depression took hold (and I didn't even know it was happening at that point), I started really deferring to her, not trusting myself, looking to her to keep me afloat, and that eventually led to her feeling not like my wife but something else that has no attraction component, and it's never come back, despite my efforts.

It is crushing, but it's been crushing for a really long time. This at least promises a change, and, maybe, an improvement. She's certainly relaxed a lot since we talked.

Next up is putting our beloved 18-year old cat down tomorrow. His kidneys have failed. It's impossible not to see in his life a metaphor for our relationship. When it rains, it pours.

[ForGump]

... eventually led to her feeling not like my wife but something else that has no attraction component, and it's never come back...

... She's certainly relaxed a lot since we talked. ...

When it rains, it pours.

So many parallels to my story. It's uncanny

Maybe because we are all just actors on a stage. How does that dialog from Shakespeare go...?

[JRuss]

It does all feel sort of inevitable, like this was always going to happen to whomever she'd married. She was always just destined to convince herself her life and identity wasn't exciting enough because it was "just" being a W and mother (in her view), and that she needed to blow that life up. She mentioned a lot that she'll only live once and wants to see if she can be happier. What do you say to that?

[ForGump]

You only live once.

You'll only blow up the family once.

The holidays you'll spend alone because the kids are with me, you can't get those back. And vice versa for me -- I won't get those back. And the kids -- they won't get two-parent memories either.

Years from now, when you've plunged yourself into another relationship thinking it'll bring you happiness; when you find yourself just as dissatisfied as you are now; when you realize contentment was always to be found within, or that happiness is really to be made, not found; you'll realize then too, that you only live once, that all of the happiness that could be been made within our marriage is gone. We can't put our family back together, you can't put our marriage back together.

Yes, you might be happier after this marriage is over. But you could also feel lonely and feel just as empty.

Yes, you do only live once.

[Last79]

You only live once.

You'll only blow up the family once.

The holidays you'll spend alone because the kids are with me, you can't get those back. And vice versa for me -- I won't get those back. And the kids -- they won't get two-parent memories either.

Years from now, when you've plunged yourself into another relationship thinking it'll bring you happiness; when you find yourself just as dissatisfied as you are now; when you realize contentment was always to be found within, or that happiness is really to be made, not found; you'll realize then too, that you only live once, that all of the happiness that could be been made within our marriage is gone. We can't put our family back together, you can't put our marriage back together.

Yes, you might be happier after this marriage is over. But you could also feel lonely and feel just as empty.

Yes, you do only live once.

This is such a great response and would be great to share with my WW, but you know how that would go over as pleading and pursuing. This is definately how I feel and want to tell her.

[sandi2]

I am truly sorry to hear about the plans to D. I wish you well, JRuss.

[JRuss]

Thanks, sandi. I apologize for getting angry with you. This has been such a draining, exhausting process. I appreciate all of your attempts to help. It is really hard to hear certain things, even if they are true.

Gump -- very well said. I daydream write letters like that in my head sometimes. Our Ws really seem like two peas in a pod: just sort of swallowed up in an encompassing ennui from which they think/hope someone will rescue them.

I continue to feel better about things than I would have anticipated. While certainly not doing backflips, I'm still feeling like there's less weight on my chest. I realized yesterday that I've actually been doing a lot of solo parenting (W was "stuck at work" most of the day yesterday as I managed the cat's euthanasia and my S10's (biblical level) grief) as things have deteriorated maritally. I find myself even thinking at times "I can pull this divorced dad thing off". I am really starting to like the idea of getting my own place eventually and putting my stamp on it (always deferred there). Right or wrong, my kids know who is pushing the D and who isn't, and that matters to me and frees me up a bit to think about myself some.

[ForGump]

JR, my intuition is that aside from your intense empathy for the confusion and sadness your kids will go through, you will very much enjoy your freedom from your current marriage.

I liked what you said about your W losing her attraction during the most difficult times, and it just not coming back despite all your DB-ing. I guess I've heard that idea before but the way you put it, something just clicked, and it helps me understand where my W is emotionally.

I think our brains are wired in a way that although there is gradual waxing & waning of feelings, there are edges to that plane. There is kind of a precipice it can fall off, and never climb back up. I think about some of my ex-girlfriends for whom I lost that attraction. There was kind of a sudden quality to it. You try to make it work-work-work ... and then one day you wake up and you realize Oh man I want to break up. And it didn't occur to me until many years later -- the feeling of it, not the rational thought -- that, Oh, hm, maybe things could have worked out with her, maybe my reaction to some particular personality character was overblown.

So, I think, our wives just feel nothing there for us. There is nothing there. It somehow slid away, evaporated, disappeared. There is nothing to nurture back. Nothing to grab onto and climb back. Nothing. I think I can empathize with that.

And I don't see my W changing without some type of an un-calculable, un-foreseeable, unpredictable epiphany. Nothing you want to count on, wait around for.