I saved my bah humbug sister for last. I've been deliberately absent from the alt since the election (I'm still not sure I like my extended family and some friends) and not feeling like I had anything to contribute here either.
Man, I understand the part about missing myself. I've been disconnected like that from time to time. It's very much like stopping exercising. You find yourself out of rhythm and unable to get back into it, and even with effort, things just derail the whole effort and it becomes depressing.
Until recently, I can't remember a time when the holidays were joyful for me. My mom had some very personal baggage that she brought to the holidays, but it was the opposite. Because an event brought extreme sadness to her soul, she went NUTS for Christmas to overcompensate. Everything had to be perfect. I didn't understand why, and I also spent my entire time growing up not understanding why I dreaded the holidays.
Then in 1984, my late brother hung himself on Christmas Eve, and I found him. He obviously lived, but it ruined Christmas for my sister and me (and her boyfriend at the time, who was with me fetching cokes when we found him in the noose). I just seemed to carry this cloak of sadness with me my entire life. While everyone else liked to party, I liked to avoid. Mr. W. loved (and still loves) Christmas as much as I loathed it, and thankfully, I let him do his thing because it was good for our girls.
And then again, bomb day on 12/18/2002 just added to my malaise. By then, I had absolutely no desire to pretend anymore. When I found myself in IC back then, my IC told me that I owed it to my girls to not give them my legacy. So I went through the motions for years. Somewhere in between then and now (closer to now), I realized how very much my D22 loved Christmas. Not for the gifts, but for the visible reminder of the season and for her joy in spending time with us. I think it became obvious to me (finally) after she had gone away to college.
Last year, I got away with not decorating at all - because I moved right after New Year's and we spent the holiday at Mr. Wonderful's (who had, of course, decorated to the hilt). I actually felt horrible about it. She didn't get to say goodbye to her childhood house with that memory. So when she told me she was coming home this year, I decided to go.all.out. I started before Thanksgiving, and my house is decked out - with two trees LOL. I send her photos and she's BEYOND excited to come home.
That being said, there is nothing I will say to you to get you to move past this. Because my issues are connected to my past, and won't be swept aside by some lights and garland, I have been keeping my gratitude journal since November 1. It literally keeps me focused on reconnecting with myself. One day was horrible - the only thing I was grateful for was that the day was over. I'm not ashamed to admit that.
The good news is that Christmas will be over in one week, and just maybe, you can clear your head at that point. For some insane reason, I always felt my cloud lift as soon as the holiday was in the rear view mirror... and then I allowed myself to mentally consider what I wanted for the coming year.
I also consider myself to have a Buddhist and spiritualist component to my Christianity. I'm not at all conflicted by my belief system, and how I live my life is generally in synch with those values. I'm sure people at my church who don't know me would be distressed by that, but that's not my problem, is it? I don't think we need to have a label or be put in a box to figure this stuff out.
My only advice to you is to give yourself permission to feel this way until... you don't. Maybe it would help you to acknowledge setbacks but also to acknowledge baby steps too. Allow yourself the humanity of this mess. We're all flawed, and we all have things that bring us joy as well as sadness. Without the valleys, I don't appreciate the peaks as much as I should.
FWIW, my sister hates Christmas. Her husband puts up a mini tree just because he likes the reminder, and he'd do more, but their 8 cats destroy his efforts. Anyway, she's managed to cope about as well as I have, and she's still not over our childhood wounds. It is what it is?
Call me if you just need to vent. I'm more than OK with that.
Love you, girl.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
