I have been reading Solo Partner and Love is Never Enough. These two books have been incredibly helpful to me.

Along with Love is Never Enough I have been doing some readings my therapist has given me on cognitive behavior. I am gaining a clearer understanding of my role in the demise of our relationship. The subtle changes that took place over the years, my reactions to those changes, along with my own baggage and issues from childhood certainly took a toll. It all had an impact on the way I communicated and the way I perceived what was happening. I wish I knew then what I know now. All I can do is continue to work on me.

I am still mourning the death of our dog. It's interesting, but H was gone all last week at a conference/training. Our son asked for the dog every day, but never asked for his "dada." They saw each other for the first time after almost a week's absence and our son didn't react. He's so used to him being absent. How sad.

Saturday evening we took a boat tour to see the Christmas lights in the harbor. Our son loved it. Even though it was cold, it was a lot of fun. H said "thank you" afterward and told me how much he enjoyed it and was glad I booked it. Huh?

Earlier in the day we went to an outdoor store so I could look at and try on kid carriers (backpacks to put your kid in while hiking). I found one I liked and the salesperson took it to the cashier. H took our son to walk around the store while I waited in line. When I got to the front of the line H appeared and insisted on paying for the carrier saying it was his Christmas gift to me. What?!? Guilt for being gone all week? Guilt for not being there when our dog passed? Guilt for just being a MLC jerk? Lol! Who knows. I'm trying not to read anything into this, but it's hard. And now I have to scramble to get him something.

He worked an overtime shift on Sunday. In the morning he called me from his desk line to ask me if I was going to the store. Normally, he would just text me or call me on his cell. Was this his way of letting me know he was really at work and not with OW? He even texted me on his way home to let me know he was coming home. Another, what?!?

Every year at Christmas my sister's family and I rent a house in the mountains. We even bring the dogs. It'll be sad this year as I won't have any dogs with me; it will be bittersweet, as I need another break from H.

It's hard to loosen my grip on the rope when he does stuff like this. I'm getting mixed messages and it's making me uncomfortable. I don't trust him or what he's doing. Is he buttering me up because he plans to drop divorce papers on me after the New Year and he thinks if he's nice, things will go more smoothly? Probably. I have to stay focused on me. Focus, focus, focus . . .