Well, so not much really to report. A few instances came up that I thought on Monday I'd run by everyone, but he changes from one minute (a little longer lol) to the next. Right now I feel like I'm along for the ride. There will be things he says to get my hopes up such as talking about "us" in the future, nothing nice, just things like now he has to live the rest of his life with a cheater, but hey, he's talking about our future, then in the same conversation, he'll say that he's never getting married again, but he's going to be 100% certain his next girlfriend isn't a cheater.
Last night he was on his sleeping pill plus started drinking some beer (bad combo I know but I can't tell him anything right now). He gets mad if I say anything about that, even though I'm saying it in a caring manner that I don't want him hurting his body because of this. Anyway, he was high and tipsy so he came into my room to talk again. It seemed like he actually wanted to talk because the reason he came in for was not really a reason , but then he didn't leave after that and said "well nows your chance to talk." I'm trying to say as little as possible anymore. I tell him nothing has changed since we last talked, that I still love him and will do everything in my power to prove it to him everyday....etc. Then same as before, he starts getting angry. This time he turned on his "I hate you" song and blasted it, so I went and sat outside for a little bit. Then I came back in and tried to go to bed again. He came in again and in a much softer tone started talking about things not related to any of this. He would throw some things in there like "you want to call your boyfriend about that?" But overall he was really calm. This is one of those times I don't want to get my hopes up. He gives me the chance to talk, but today will be back to "hating" me again and usually he'll try to overcompensate for being nice to me the day before.
As for me, I'm really trying to use this time to work on me. I know things like what I did just don't happen overnight, which means there is a lot of soul-searching to do. I told him last night that is what I am doing and hopefully by the end of this, I will be a better wife and person, for him and myself.
One question I could ask y'all is about transparency. That came up in our conversation last night and he said there's no such thing because there's always a way around it. For example, he went to his work Christmas party Friday night and was gone for almost 5 hours. He had originally told me he wasn't going, but last minute he did which left me frantic trying to find a way to prove that I was home alone all night and not talking with this guy. I sent a picture with the time in it every 30 minutes. His thing is that the guy could have been in the house even though I took the picture. I was on the phone with my mom and bestfriend (different times) but for a total of over 3 hours. I cleaned, did his laundry..anything I could think of to prove I was there at the house. While I think he believes me, there's always a way around any of it. Every 30 minutes...ok....I could run down the street and check back in every 30. I don't know, he says its useless trying to be transparent in today's day and age with access to fake email and all that, but thats all I know to do at this point.
