Help - boundaries. Am I doing th ewrong thing?

[Woke_Up]

Today was difficult at times, but think I did OK.

Still sipping acid, as it was put, confirmed that WW is contacting EAP from within home. Let it go.

WW received a phone call from her dad letting her know her grandfather had died suddenly, so this affected her a bit. I was a combination of supportive and giving her space.

Kept myself fairly busy today. D had a friend staying over, so played with them, got outside to wash the car. Then W let me know that I was meant to be going with her & D to visit father christmas - I had believed it was a mother's only thing, but other H's were going as well. In the end, just I went, as W wasn't feeling too well, physically and mentally, so went & had a good time with D.

Later, saw that she had been communicating with OM fairly regularly throughout the day, and had even sent a photo of my D and her friend when they were playing yesterday. This is my usual red rag to a bull. However, I swallowed it all. Realised confrontation would not do any good. Photo was from a distance, so you couldn't really see much of the girls.

Also saw that OM was putting a bit of pressure on her, wanting to know if she was with me when they first started communicating (her answer was 'kinda'). Asking her if she would leave (initially she said no), but later in her comms she talked about selling house and leaving etc. I think this is bull as she asked me to cancel the house valuation that was planned for last week, and was given in response to OM's emotional pressure.

I just buried it all, realised that she is in the fog, realised that I am not really helping myself by snooping, even though it lets me know OM is getting frustrated and all is not rosy in the garden.

I stayed pleasant, remained calm and detached, but sociable. I talked to her a bit, asked how she was feeling about grandad etc (all the normal stuff you would do) but without smothering her. Later, as I was standing at the sink she came up and gave me a hug from behind.

Anyway, she went to bed, I came downstairs to work on GAL (I have an online course I'm working on for a new qualification, which should help me get a job closer to home). Nothing mentioned about the MBR, and I guess she knows I'm planning on staying in there - she looked a bit worried earlier, but said nothing later, and later seemed relaxed. I guess the proof in the pudding will be when I go up to bed.

So, I won't be messaging her when I'm at work, but will respond if she messages me, and when I'm home I will try and work on my conversation skills - I know these are lacking and one of the causes of friction within our R. It's a bit of a 180 for me to be more proactive in that department, and it doesn't come easy - I may need to get some self help material.

So, I may not be effectively enforcing my boundaries, but I feel I am protecting them by keep my emotions in check. Yes, I still feel disrespected, but I also know she's so much in the fog that she doesn't even consider this and that any knee jerk reactions will only push her away at this stage. On the other hand, I won't facilitate her. She wants a new phone, I won't buy it for her, she wants a new charging cable, I won't buy it for her, she wants her phone credit topping up, I won't do it. I can see some arguments arising from this, but I don't think she can accuse me of treating her like a child if I insist she takes full responsibility for communicating with her EAP.

One day at a time, as they say, but I'm feeling positive at the minute.

Thank you everyone who has given advice, shared resources, and generally helped me. You are all genuine stars.