Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

Thank you for your support Irish. I do think also that my H is inching along, but all while wanting to sweep the past under the rug.....which brings me to where I am at.....

I need to journal, get some thoughts out of my head, trying to work through some issues....and what better place than here.

My last blowup at H surprised me a bit. I really thought I had gotten past things, that I had worked through my resentments, but I am still very angry. Very angry. I now realize I didn't work through it, I have just put it aside, to keep the peace with H for our son. So here I was, working on a new friendship with H, spending time, getting closer, and as soon as those triggers came out, I exploded.

I have spent time thinking, and I believe the anger comes from never getting any apology or sign from H that he did anything wrong. H does not apologize, he justifies. Then, I see myself follow the same pattern, a vicious circle.

So, I thought about what Bttrfly said, and some friends who were treated badly by their xh, one with physical abuse. They both forgave, in order to let go and move on. They eventually got apologies later on. You have taught me that forgiveness is for me, not H. This anger is a poison in me. I have been feeling it every day now since this blow up, a physical ache inside. By having this anger in me, I am effecting my health, my sleep, my mood. I am only hurting myself, so now what?

I know I can't force H to feel remorse or regret. I can't fix him. I will not ask for an apology, that would defeat the purpose for me. We don't have R talks, so nothing gets worked through or resolved. How do you build a new friendship on a broken foundation? This part of this process doesn't make sense to me. Have I been doing this backwards?

I am reading some articles on forgiveness. It was suggested that maybe an anger management class might help. I am going to try meditation and prayer. I very much want to release this, not only for myself, but for the sake of keeping the peace for my S. By holding on to this anger, I am giving control to H....

Can you guys tell me what has helped you? Please share your stories, your therapy, and what helped you.

Thanks for listening, wishing you all a happy Sunday.