D and MLC

[ciluzen]

It WAS an interesting day, Pax. It was different than last year, though. I felt none of the anger simmering below the surface in him as I did last year. Much less of the awkwardness between us. And, dare I say it? I felt much more relaxed and in control of myself; less desperate to make an impression on him.

I realized how far I've come in a little over a year. I practiced making eye contact (a life-long issue for this shy girl) and now its totally natural. I chose to practice "authenticity", and now that is starting to feel like my own skin (it should). I tell people my positive thoughts about them, now. It is a wonderful thing to witness; a person hearing a positive thought about them or a thing appreciated. I go out of my way now to interact in a happy, friendly way with strangers; before I just hung back behind H and mumbled in agreement as he spoke to people. I intend to have fun now, instead of just hoping I do. Even in the freezing cold.

Tomorrow I have a full day of lunch, ice skating, partaking in holiday season downtown and just living happy with a new-ish friend. I have to get my apartment ready for my mom to stay here for a week, and cut backing mats for some of my prints that I will have for sale at my art space. Somewhere in there I should study. Monday work, IC appointment (haven't seen her since before Thanksgiving) and hanging my art, then a drink and appetizers with a very new friend. Then Mom comes on Tuesday and dinner out for her birthday with my D's, son in law, and D24's boyfriend. Just going to be a very full week and what happens, happens.

I did analyze the day with H (I guess I didn't try that hard not to) and came up with this. I had fun. I enjoyed our interaction. But I also just enjoyed the interaction with others, the pretty (very cold!) day,the people I spoke with...because I chose to. I think about my cycling and reacton after going to H's office on Thursday (the rebound from my cycling is so short now) and realize, I'm ALMOST letting go of control. I think that's what scared me. To walk into an office that I helped set up as his wife and realze I was in both a familiar and unfamiliar place; I was just a guest there. I think I left wanting to fight that feeling of no longer belonging instead of embracing the rather uplifting thought that I have no responsibility whatsoever in making that place function anymore! Its all his; the responsibility, the stress, the work...and he can do whatever he wants there to make it his own and surround himself with things he likes to make it more bearable. Its his and I release it. If he wants my art on the wall, he can have it. If not, I trust him to let me know so I can take it. But that is literally his business. No reason for me to be upset.

As I've said before, it gets better. When I'm hiking a trail with my dog, sometimes I walk, sometimes I stop, and sometimes I run part of it when the feeling strikes me. I seldom use a map. I no longer know if the path I'm wandering down now is considered good DBing. I think I'm just trying to learn and live life as authentically as I can. I still love my XH and I'm starting to realize that he still cares very much for me. I acknowledge the parts I played in making our M difficult for him, but I also realize that MLC and other factors play an even bigger part and he has so much work to do and so much going on to deal with at the same time. All I can do is listen and be kind. But I'm doing well. I paused on my path Thursday and allowed myself to feel (stealing from AndrewP) a sense of being lost in the woods for a brief moment. But I'm moving again. In fact, that feeling has hit and I'm running the trail for a little bit. It can be exhilarating when it happens. I have no idea where I'm going right now. I just know the scenery is changing and I have the energy to jump over the rocks in my way.