And so it continues .........

[LouR]

Hey everyone, well my last post was a doozer meltdown huh. Its not the first and it sure won't be the last, but the good news is that thanks to your love and kindness and a few days of dancing alone at my own pity party I am feeling much better.

Sotto -

For the computing stuff, are you able to take some time to make yourself a simple crib sheet? I love to have things on a 'grab' a4 guide - press this, then press that. Also, do have a chat with them if you feel thrown into the deep end and maybe arrange an IT 1-1 with a supportive member of the team to help you get up to speed. When you are feeling so distressed at lunchtime and not feeling you want to go back in is the time to seek help from your employer - I'm sure they wouldn't want you to be feeling that way at all.

Unfortunately there are so many different scenarios that could happen with each process that a crib sheet would not be able to cover them all. At this time of year we are getting a lot of caterers wanting stuff asap and not in the mood to deal with a trainee. Christmas makes people cranky!! The company I work for is small, there is no IT person, I was shown how to work the software and then left to play with the test programme for a few days before being let loose on the real thing. The company does not care if I am struggling, it would be a case of letting me go and getting someone else in who is more computer literate - I am on a 90 day probation, so they can give me one days notice.

The good news is that I am picking it up slowly and the girl I work with at the moment does not mind me asking the many questions that I do. I have so far ...touch wood ...not made any terrible mistakes' so for now I am keeping my head above water. Just got to get through the next few weeks and it will start to quieten down.

They have now got me cashing up and doing morning till floats, more software to learn and a really stupid programme that makes the whole process a lot more complicated than it should be - the girl who I am taking it over from said many have complained about it and nothing ever gets done. I have also been given the ordering for the party shop to do, its become more of an assistant manager role on sales assistant wage, I can see why so many leave. I remind myself how good his will look on my cv and it will help me find something better in the future.


job -

ou, be gentle to yourself and do not try to be super human right now. Just be yourself, ask for help when you need it and absolutely give yourself time to grieve.

You are absolutely right (as always), I think I felt I should just "get on with it" and get back to normal. It didn't work out with h and I got it in to my head I should just pick up from where I left off, when in reality, what he did, the mind games, the rejection, the drawing me in, I just went blind to the reality of it all. It hurt, it really did and for a while I really did drop to an all time low, even lower that the first time, because the first time I was in shock and in a panic and I could not see anything clearly, where as this time, I do see more clearly and I do see how calculated this whole return thing was, it was all about him and what he wanted and then didn't want; me and my feelings and thoughts did not come in to it. Seeing this, knowing this, well it made it feel so much worse.

I have been good and I have taken a complete step back from life to get some perspective and have some reflection on how I managed to get drawn in to the whole situation so quickly and deeply. I have learnt a lot and IF there is a next time, he won't be coming back in to my life so easily.

bttrfly -

Hello my darling friend, thank you so much for your support and advice.

Let's grieve the man who just left before we think about another man. I don't mean to sound harsh and I know that you aren't 'looking for a replacement' ... I feel the same. Hey - I was almost 5'10'', 134 pounds and a size 4 when he married me. I was also 29, had no grey hair, no wrinkles and no cellulite.
Now? I'm the same height. No idea what I weigh as I'm terrified to get on the scale after what I've done to myself over the past few months since our court date. I'm wearing a size 14 and it's tight. I have about 5-10% grey hair which my darling supportive husband freaked out about and insisted that I color. Now I do that for myself, not for him. Wrinkles? Well, these fine lines around my eyes weren't there two years ago. I not only have cellulite; my cellulite goes to an annual convention at various spots around the country and sends me postcards.

I am not looking for another relationship. I have to first get past my latest dalliance with h, then look at myself and then learn to love myself unconditionally. At this point in time I can't imagine any guy being interested in me, even in the future, and that's ok, I have things I want to do and a relationship would complicate that, I don't want to find myself in a position of having to choose between a man and fulfilling a dream, I have given up my life for a man for the past 26yrs, not fulfilled any of my desires, so now its time to give myself the gift of freedom.

kml -

Second on the thyroid: stuff- slowed thinking, poor short term memory and difficulty with math are all hypothyroid signs.

I had a blood test done about 2 months ago, to get one in before I left for my trip. It came back at 3.51 which is great as my last one was 7.8. I am not sure why it came down so much, or why it went up so much in the first place, but the main thing is that is has come down to normal range.

Hawho - thank you, you always have such wisdom in what you say.

It does sound like you have some anxiety overall and understandably so. If it's not thyroid based, there is no shame in trying an anti-anxiety medication to get you through this rough patch.

I am fine now, I think I just kept burying the enormity of what just happened, on top of that starting a new job and realizing how much this mis-adventure just cost me - emotionally and financially, I ended up having a meltdown. It was bound to happen and I feel better for it, it has made me address so many things - past, present and future.

Esame

In relation to that last assignment, I read somewhere that small chunks or writing add up to great results. So maybe 15 minutes a day? Don't worry about the quality of you work just yet, only concentrate on writing for 15 minutes. You can then edit at a later stage.

I did not finish it in time, but that's ok. From completing the courses and papers I have passed, I proved to myself that I can do it if I want to, which was really the main reason I ended up doing the courses in the first place. To prove a point. I have decided not to go on to further study next year; there is nothing that interests me enough to get a large student loan for and I now have other ideas of what I want to do, and study aint' one of them


Georgiabelle -

I don't know much, however, I do know this. It sounds like you have done a great job with your boys. Awesome!

Awww, thank you. I do feel very blessed to have them both in my life and that they look to me still for advice and guidance. They have shown me much compassion since h left, I am very proud of them both.

Andrew -

Stop that crap Right There! Right Now! You are a sweet giving person with a kind heart. I know that I'm on the opposite side of the planet from you and am perhaps more than a bit of a mess myself but to me the most important thing in this world in a partner is a kind heart.

Shucks

Andrew - thank you, seriously, what you said is worth more than the all the ambergris in New Zealand lol.

So that was an epic thanks and replies to you all. I am fine, I really am, I forget its only been 5 weeks since he left, seems a life time ago really. I don't miss him, I have not had any thoughts of contacting him, I have nothing to say. He has not contacted me either, i am not surprised, he would have nothing to say I want to hear anyway.

The job is going ok, its been a really steep learning curve but I am coping with it. I think what tipped the scales for me was making myself remember that this is just temporary, a stepping stone, new skills and knowledge, it helped me relax a bit, what is the worse that can happen? If they choose not to keep me after my 90 day trial then I will be jobless ....been there before, so not something to fear.

S22 let me know that he asked his g/friend to marry him and she said yes! So he is now engaged. I am very happy for them both, she is a lovely girl. They are thinking a small wedding on a beach somewhere with only close friends and family - no mention of h ? not getting involved, its between him and his dad - although in a really horrible way (and just being honest here) I hope he doesn't get invited and then I won't have to deal with spending the day with him. I know, its a really awful thing to say.

So the latest thoughts (thanks for kml dreamboard idea) is that I REALLY want to travel, its what I was saving to do before h changed it all around ...and I let him ugh ... so the travel fund has taken a rather large hit, but nevermind. So I have 3 big dream trips and a few smaller ones - the big trips are Europe, USA and Canada. I figure - if my sums are correct - that i will be able to do my first one in 2018 if I am really frugal and house share.

I realise that I am not a huge social person, I mean I love chatting to people, and I get to do that all day long at work, but I really don't mind being on my own, its something new that I have been trying out and I actually like it. I am happy and content walking the beach, reading a book or catching up on tv, I feel its quite therapeutic. I still catch up with friends, but now they will have to be over a cuppa at home and not out to a cafe for lunch. I got an app that shows you what you can save by cutting out things you don't really need and wow, add all the little things up over a year and these trips can actually become a reality.

So its lots of photos on my dreamboard to keep me motivated and a serious economy drive and effort to make it happen. A new focus. I have always wanted to travel and now I have the opportunity to do it. I have not decided which is going to be my first trip, I will soon though, just to make it more real again.

Thanks for you love and kindness, I really could not have got to this head space without you all.

xoxo