D and MLC

[ciluzen]

Thanks everyone. I really love coming here to feel the love and support...I read everyone's posts and try to keep up with what's happening in your lives. We are all on such a wierd, wild and winding road trip together. I never cease to be amazed at what our spouses' latest antics are like.

So, I'm having a wierd day and am fighting the tears. Just...confused, hurt, feeling like I shouldn't be hurt. I don't know. Haven't really been able to name the feelings yet.

I texted XH to tell him I needed to grab some paintings at the office and offered to get replacement pictures from storage. He texted back that I should come back after 5 and that a good mutual friend would be dropping baked goods off at his office. I went to our storage facility after work to grab paintings to replace those that I was going to take down and he called me while I was there. He seemed to have fun talking to me and seemed good with me bringing more pictures to replace the ones I was taking. Actually asked me about the shows. He let me know our friend would be coming close to the end of the day and thought I would be interested in seeing her.He also mentioned that there was a beer tasting event Saturday at the ski area. I told him I didn't know it was this weekend and would be sad to miss it (I enjoyed the event last year) as I was putting up art work. He said, "well, I'm letting you know that's where I'll be if you were to go up."

I got to the office and got to see everyone (no Bubbles there tonight) and was invited to Christmas Eve with one lady and out for bingo and drinks with the other two next week at a local lounge. Then the visiting friend came over and gave me a big hug and had just been told that we were divorced by someone (dont know who). She helped me take some pictures down and I gave her the details about my thoughts on the situation. She was just shocked. When we went back in, one of the office ladies took us back to H's personal office to go through quite a few pictures that he had taken down. Two years ago for Christmas I had taken nice photos of me and the girls and put them in a wall frame (one space for each of our portraits). I noticed he had taken it down. Instead was a picture of a whole group at H's river house sitting in front of the house on the beach, posed for the camera.It was framed to match a series of photos of H and D26 waterskiing together. I also noticed that D26's canvas prints of her photography were hanging in one room and a strange metal sculptural piece was hanging in the main room. H had about 10 of my pictures stacked against the wall in his personal office.

He came out to chat after he was done and offered me a beer as I said goodbye to the office ladies. Our mutual friend stayed to chat, too. He then told stories of his mother's "adventure" (showed pictures of the rescue and the area) and his trip down to talk to his brothers this past weekend about what to do with their parents. He brought up the beer tasting again and we were joking around with our friend. He kicked the bottom of my boot a few times, while saying "remember when..." and launching into a few memories. He actually looked into my eyes and smiled. I got the sense that it was important to him that I DID remember those as fond memories. We all walked out together and I reminded him that I had gotten a bunch of paintings from storage to replace the ones I took down, but he said he was set. I won't lie; I was disappointed and slightly irritated that I had even gotten them out just to have him say he didn't need them.

Anyway, as we were leaving, he got a call and found out that the fiancee of one of the office ladies had been taken to the hospital with chest pains (shoveled snow in sub zero temps). We've been texting back and forth since then. It sounds like he'll be ok.

I'm trying to not have expectations, but what I'm having is confusion. Is he trying to rid himself of my pictures and me? He did take some of my art from his personal office and replace the art I took, but didn't want any of the storage pictures. He seemed very happy to see me and seemed to want me to go up to the mountain on Saturday. But... I'm trying not to read into it. But there are so many emotions right now that I'm a bit overwhelmed. Not feeling very collected, for sure.

[ciluzen]

I had to re-read what I wrote because I was tired last night and worried that I didn't make sense. So, about the boot kicking thing. Why was that signficant? It was something he'd always do when we were talking to another person to get my attention about an inside joke or memory we shared that was sparked by the conversation. It was also the first time he'd initiated ANY physical contact since...before bomb drop, I think. We were discussing wine with our friend and I'd mentioned that it was funny how I always used to drink wine at get togethers, but realized I never really was a big fan of it.She was agreeing. H had then kicked my boot and said,"Hey! We had a really good bottle together once!" with a smile and questioning look on his face. We did (I agreed). It was a $200 bottle that a patient had given us as a thank you with instructions to save it for a special occassion. We did, it was life changing, then we found out from trying to find more how much it cost.

It may seem funny that I mention that small kick, but it was such an old H thing to do, and he did it again later with another memory. Like, hey! I remember some good things! I have gotten the impression that he didn't remember ANYTHING good til now. He even said, at one point last summer (our last R talk), "I dont know what you think we had..." in reference to our 26 year marriage!

When I was writing my post last night, XH and I were texting back and forth about the office lady's fiancee with the chest pains. He was sent home later and H actually switched to calling me as he left the hospital. It was another first in that it was a call about nothing at that point. It was just what he would do as he was coming home from work or driving from an event. It was 11:30 at night and he hadn't eaten so as he was pulling into a Taco Bell I started trying to end our convo. The last thing he said was, "Let me know if you are going up on Saturday" about the beer tasting.

So now, not sure what to do. I think it might be almost too cold to ski, but I have skied in that weather.So I would just really be going for the event, with a possibility of skiing. I could ask a friend to go. Or, I could just go alone. I asked myself what I would do if I really took XH out of the equation. I don't know. I went last year and enjoyed myself...I did have a friend with me who didn't drink, though. It would be a planned meeting with XH, though. Not a situation like last year where we just saw each other and he suddenly decided to hang with me. And then there's the idea that he really just wants to be "friends" and I'm relegated to being just one of the other female friends he has. But then, that's also a first step type thing, too, since he mentioned it quite a few times and ended with a "let me know if you're going". I guess I just try to continue living authentically...in which case...I like beer. I had fun at this event last year without him. I might ski with or wthout him. I should go.

What say you fellow DBers? Am I setting myself up to be hurt, or am I just doing what I said I would do and considering the D a piece of paper and continuing to keep the door cracked open? Am I reading too much into this? Is it just the holidays? Is it even a touch and go? In looking at actions, he just took down photos of me and our girls and replaced it with a photo of a bunch of the new group that goes to the river house (Bubbles' family and a bunch of people I hardly know or don't know...she seems to turn over friends at a great rate). Yet he put back up some of my paintings he had taken down to replace the one's I took down for the show. But also I felt that he was going to acquire other things to replace more of my art, like the metal wall piece he got from Bed, Bath, and Beyond or more of my daughter's photography.

I'm cycling, I know. I'll try to stop now. Holidays and this whole situation...well, you all know. Thoughts please.

[AndrewP]

ciluzen - Well - if you go with no expectations you can have a good time, get in some skiing and try some nice beer.

Do you have the strength to be there though if Bubbles is also there - I didn't read that she would be or wouldn't be.

It sort of sounds like he's a bit lonely or bored. He has a history of friendship with you and as job writes, this time of year makes our MLCr pop up in unusual ways.

Just my 2 cents.

[kml]

How long has it been since your concussion? I would be very conservative about when you resume skiing, which is a high risk sport for concussions. Once you've had one concussion it takes a much smaller hit to get a second. Since you had symptoms for a while after yours, I'd probably wait longer before skiing again. My ex had six concussions, I know a little about it, lol.

As for going to the beer thing - only go if you WANT to go to it, with a good friend, and won't be disappointed if you don't see ex or see him with someone else.

He may be trying to keep you in his back pocket as plan B, or he may be trying to live out his fantasy of a happy divorce "we're still friends". If he really misses you and wants you back he would invite you to go with him.

I wouldn't go unless it's what you want to do anyway, you have a friend to go with, and you can go with no expectations.

[bttrfly]

HI Cil,
I guess I'm suspicious because of the time of year. I echo what KML said ... My feeling is go with a friend. Keep your expectations at zero ... and ... I dunno, you're cycling now. What would happen if you went? My concern is your peace of mind.

And I would say no to the skiing for a little longer xoxoxoxo

just my $.02

[bttrfly]

thinking of you Cil ... what did you decide to do?

[ciluzen]

Hey all, thanks for the replies and advice. I decided I did want to go. I had wanted to do a few runs this weekend even before H's bringing up the tasting as it had been a few weeks since the concussion, I wear a helmet now, and I am a very conservative skier. I had considered not going only because its sub-zero up here made even colder with a wind chill. I tried yesterday to see if any of my skier frends wanted to go, but no dice. So, I did as H asked and texted him that I thought I would go. He immediately texted back the time he would be there (he was staying at "his house"-the former "river house" which is an hour away from the ski area but approached from the other side of the mountain).

I took my time this morning and got there 45 minutes later than him. As I was putting on my gear n the lodge he plopped down next to me and started talking. So...we were skiing together (I planned on skiing alone and finding him in the bar). We had a very nice time and visited the guy at the backside of the mountain lodge (lodge 2) and talking to him as we warmed up. He still thinks we're married and thinks were "such a great couple". We just laughed. It is kind of funny...plus he gave us free waffles cuz he likes us.

[ciluzen]

Sorry, hit submit too soon. Anyway, we skied a bit more and froze nearly to death and then skied down to the main lodge and sampled all of the beer from 8 different breweries. We shared lunch and talked a lot, especially about his parents' situation.

Only one awkward moment. Apparently he spoke to D26 the day before and (according to her) he asked if I was upset when I saw that he had put other things that he liked up to replace some of my stuff. She had said no, but that I was upset that he took the frame with the three of us (both D's and me) down and replaced it with the picture of the group at the river. Apparently (again according to her) he told her he had it hanging on his bedroom wall at the river house. He didnt tell me all of this, but asked if I saw that picture. I told him I had and that I didn't know most of the people in it. He told me I did know some and started naming people, to which I said "Ive learned over the last year that I really know none of them at all...its a sore spot." He just nodded and changed the subject. He does not mention Bubbles' name around me at all anymore; he knows how I feel about her.

It was actually a really fun day and we talked to some great people. He has started acting interested in what I'm doing and seems to feel more comfortable sharing more with me. I'm ok with this interaction today. Now, back to my own life. Im going to try really hard not to over-analyze it.

[Pax_luv]

What an interesting day, Ciluzen! If I recall, it seems like you and your h have always had that kind of friendship and respect towards eachother. I remember your skiing adventures last year, too. It was very unique.

Glad that you are ok with the interaction you had today and glad you had some safe ski runs with that helmet!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Ps- so jealous that you are able to ski where you live. I went last year when I visited my girlfriend in Seattle and I'm itching to go back! We have small mountains where I live and it's always fake snow... Most people are able to board in short sleeve shirts where I live!

[ciluzen]

It WAS an interesting day, Pax. It was different than last year, though. I felt none of the anger simmering below the surface in him as I did last year. Much less of the awkwardness between us. And, dare I say it? I felt much more relaxed and in control of myself; less desperate to make an impression on him.

I realized how far I've come in a little over a year. I practiced making eye contact (a life-long issue for this shy girl) and now its totally natural. I chose to practice "authenticity", and now that is starting to feel like my own skin (it should). I tell people my positive thoughts about them, now. It is a wonderful thing to witness; a person hearing a positive thought about them or a thing appreciated. I go out of my way now to interact in a happy, friendly way with strangers; before I just hung back behind H and mumbled in agreement as he spoke to people. I intend to have fun now, instead of just hoping I do. Even in the freezing cold.

Tomorrow I have a full day of lunch, ice skating, partaking in holiday season downtown and just living happy with a new-ish friend. I have to get my apartment ready for my mom to stay here for a week, and cut backing mats for some of my prints that I will have for sale at my art space. Somewhere in there I should study. Monday work, IC appointment (haven't seen her since before Thanksgiving) and hanging my art, then a drink and appetizers with a very new friend. Then Mom comes on Tuesday and dinner out for her birthday with my D's, son in law, and D24's boyfriend. Just going to be a very full week and what happens, happens.

I did analyze the day with H (I guess I didn't try that hard not to) and came up with this. I had fun. I enjoyed our interaction. But I also just enjoyed the interaction with others, the pretty (very cold!) day,the people I spoke with...because I chose to. I think about my cycling and reacton after going to H's office on Thursday (the rebound from my cycling is so short now) and realize, I'm ALMOST letting go of control. I think that's what scared me. To walk into an office that I helped set up as his wife and realze I was in both a familiar and unfamiliar place; I was just a guest there. I think I left wanting to fight that feeling of no longer belonging instead of embracing the rather uplifting thought that I have no responsibility whatsoever in making that place function anymore! Its all his; the responsibility, the stress, the work...and he can do whatever he wants there to make it his own and surround himself with things he likes to make it more bearable. Its his and I release it. If he wants my art on the wall, he can have it. If not, I trust him to let me know so I can take it. But that is literally his business. No reason for me to be upset.

As I've said before, it gets better. When I'm hiking a trail with my dog, sometimes I walk, sometimes I stop, and sometimes I run part of it when the feeling strikes me. I seldom use a map. I no longer know if the path I'm wandering down now is considered good DBing. I think I'm just trying to learn and live life as authentically as I can. I still love my XH and I'm starting to realize that he still cares very much for me. I acknowledge the parts I played in making our M difficult for him, but I also realize that MLC and other factors play an even bigger part and he has so much work to do and so much going on to deal with at the same time. All I can do is listen and be kind. But I'm doing well. I paused on my path Thursday and allowed myself to feel (stealing from AndrewP) a sense of being lost in the woods for a brief moment. But I'm moving again. In fact, that feeling has hit and I'm running the trail for a little bit. It can be exhilarating when it happens. I have no idea where I'm going right now. I just know the scenery is changing and I have the energy to jump over the rocks in my way.