So yesterday I went to work. I felt (and looked) utterly awful. Everyone asked if I was OK and what was wrong.
I did a thing I've never, ever done before and told some of them. Burst out crying, and told them. That was a total 180 for me, I'm usually incredibly private.
My manager there is a young woman, less than half my age. She put her arms round me and gave me a big, big hug. She was amazing.
After I'd calmed down a bit, she told me I should go home between shifts and put some mascara on. So that's what I did. Except I spent my entire break doing a full on cranberry smokey eye. Went back to work in the evening wearing heels too. Everyone was very happy to see me.
Hung out with the work crew after my shift, and got a ton of compliments about my vibe from one of my colleagues (who doesn't know).
I felt very lucky...I am loved for who I am there. I started working there, freelance, just before WH left, so nobody ever met him.
Anyway, I wasn't quite ready to go home at the end of the night, so I went to hang out with one of the other members of staff who works in another part of the building. Got very drunk. He walked me home, told me he really liked me. I explained the situation I was in, the chaos that was going on in my head and heart and that a relationship would be unfair.
We sat in the park opposite my house and chatted for another hour. He told me a bit about himself. I got the impression that however much he liked me, and however funny he was and however much he was making me laugh, that there was something quite emotionally unavailable about him. It was something to do with a very profound part of him being walled off, and a very, very deep lack of being able to connect with other people.
I know this is going to sound a bit crazy, but I'm one of those people who is very empathetic, and super sensitive to other people and what they're about. I can just feel it off them in spades. In return, people generally feel very, very comfortable with me, from the start...they feel understood.
Interesting that I should have attracted someone like that to me, now, at this point in my journey.
Well, he kissed me goodnight and it was lovely. Just a little bit of human warmth and kindness.
But this morning I've decided that after the new year, when things quieten down with work a little), I'm going back to dancing classes. I was doing a lot of them just before I met H, 18 years ago. And I reckon that's the physical connection that I need at the moment. So I found a few beginners classes: ballet (I like a challenge), barre core (ditto), swing and jive, and tango (I love the music). Most of them are drop in classes, which is great because I never know when and what times I'm going to be working. I think they will help give me the physical connection with myself that I'm looking for.
